WWE RAW January 2011 Recaps
Aka Monday Night Raw - 1/3/2011 by Bill Treadway
Live from the United Airways Center in Phoenix, Arizona, the first Monday Night Raw of 2011 forgoes 20 minutes of talk in favor of a genuine 20 minute wrestling match. This was a great overall Raw show with two outstanding matches bookending a brisk, well paced program. WWE acknowledged the injury John Cena suffered last week on the Smackdown tapings and admitted that he will not be here in Phoenix tonight. Jerry Lawler was also absent, selling the attack he received at the hands of the WWE Champion The Miz. Tonight’s opening match would be the first half of a Double Main Event.Falls Count Anywhere: WWE Champion The Miz Vs. John Morrison:
What better way to start off 2011 than with a five-star match? Morrison and Miz put on one hell of a Match of the Year contender here with a Falls Count Anywhere match that started out red-hot and never let up. As Miz was making his entrance, Morrison ran out to the ramp and began trading punches with his former tag team partner. Both men brawled all the way to the stage, where Alex Riley was waiting to pounce on Morrison. Morrison fought off Riley with several hard rights, but Riley wasn’t deterred just yet. Riley swung his fist towards Morrison, but the Shaman of Sexy ducked the punch and shoved Miz’ lackey away. Morrison lifted Miz up and bodyslammed the WWE Champion right onto the metal stage for a near fall. Morrison continued his assault with several European uppercuts before slamming Miz right into the metal Titantron wall for another near fall. Riley pounced on Morrison from behind, but Morrison merely grabbed Riley and threw the lackey right into a giant metal WWE symbol welded onto the stage. Miz attempted to attack Morrison from behind, only to be clotheslined onto Riley. Morrison climbed up the giant metal WWE symbol and leapt off it, taking both Miz and Riley down with a flying crossbody that was good for a near fall. Morrison rose to his feet and dragged Miz onto the ramp. Morrison began to land punches while squatting over Miz. Miz began to crawl down the ramp and towards the ring, so Morrison hastened the trip by lifting the WWE Champion by his trunks and tossing him into the ring. Morrison bounced off the ropes, only to be elbowed in the face by Miz. Miz covered Morrison but the Shaman of Sexy kicked out. Miz stomped and punched on Morrison for a bit, punctuating his attack by ramming Morrison backfirst into the ringpost. Miz picked up Morrison and planted him onto the top turnbuckle. Miz next climbed up the ropes to set up a superplex. Morrison blocked the superplex and punched Miz off the ropes. Morrison connected with a missile dropkick for a near fall. Morrison slugged Miz with several hard rights, causing the WWE Champion to back into a corner. Morrison continued his punch assault, adding several kicks as punctuation. Morrison dropkicked Miz in the face, causing the WWE Champ to crumple down towards the mat. Morrison wrapped himself around Miz and rolled himself over into La Magistral for a near fall. Morrison clamped on a headlock, but when he attempted to elbow Miz in the head, Miz ducked out of the way. Morrison jumped off the ropes and hit a spinkick on Miz. Morrison clocked Miz in the face with a running knee for a near fall that was ruined by Alex Riley’s interference. Morrison turned his attention towards Miz’ asskissing lackey, beating the shit out of him outside of the ring. Morrison rammed Riley into both the barricade and steel ring steps before planting A-Ri atop the barricade. Morrison leapt up and clocked Riley with a running knee to the face. Morrison then glared at the Miz, who had a look of fear on his face as Raw took a commercial break. When the match resumed, both Miz and Morrison were near the stage area. Miz had ripped off a piece of metal guardrail, placing it on the barricade. Miz attempted to suplex Morrison onto the guardrail, only for Morrison to reverse the suplex. Miz fought off the reversal, causing Morrison to attempt to clothesline Miz onto the guardrail. Miz ducked the clothesline and backdropped Morrison onto the guardrail instead. Miz covered a crumpled Morrison for a near fall. Miz planted Morrison onto the metal stage, with the Shaman’s neck jutting out. Miz hit a running neckbreaker and a running fist into Morrison’s head for another near fall. Miz peeled Morrison off the stage and hiptossed him onto the ramp for yet another near fall for the WWE Champ. Miz slammed Morrison’s head onto the barricade and ripped off a hunk of metal support. Miz clocked Morrison over the head with the hunk and made the cover, only for Morrison to kick out yet again. Frustrated, Miz slid Morrison back into the ring. Miz calmly kicked and stomped on Morrison while yelling out barbed taunts. Morrison managed to rise to his feet and fight back, resulting in both men trading punches. Morrison made a comeback by taking Miz down with several clotheslines and a springboard leg lariat for a near fall. Morrison knocked Miz down with a Russian leg sweep and leapt onto the ropes for Starship Pain. Miz rolled out of the way, so Morrison landed on his feet. Miz snuck up from behind and hit the Skull Crushing Finale on Morrison. Miz made the cover, but Morrison kicked out. Angered, Miz went for a second Skull Crushing Finale, only for Morrison to counter with several stiff elbows to the face. Morrison leaned on the turnbuckles to catch his breath, so Miz decided to charge for a running clothesline from behind. Morrison caught Miz’ actions out of the corner of his eye and moved out of the way. Miz crashed into the turnbuckles and fell on his back. Morrison leapt onto the ropes and hit Starship Pain for a near fall. Morrison immediately aimed for a running knee to the face, but Miz grabbed Morrison’s leg and rolled the challenger up for a near fall of his own. Miz landed several elbows to the face, but when the WWE Champ bounced off the ropes for a clothesline, Morrison backdropped Miz out of the ring. Morrison slid out of the ring and placed a lifeless Miz onto a waiting table set-up near the ring. Morrison climbed onto the ringpost, intending to send Miz through the table with Starship Pain. Miz rolled off the table, causing Morrison to crash through the table. Ever the opportunist, Miz made the cover, but Morrison still kicked out. Miz dragged Morrison from the rubble and hit the Skull Crushing Finale on the floor to finally get the pin and retain the WWE Championship. *****
Divas Champion Natalya & Eve Torres & Brie Bella Vs. Melina & Alicia Fox & Maryse:
Oh, wonderful- Maryse and Brie Bella are starting this match. I’ll try to contain my excitement. Maryse shoved Brie’s head around before grabbing a fistful of hair. Brie Bella had the same idea, grabbing Maryse’s blonde locks. Both women rolled around the ring in a phony catfight before Maryse slid out of the ring. Brie made the chase, only to get sloppily kicked in the head by Maryse for a near fall. After some more hairpulling, Brie ended up tangled in the ropes. Maryse ran the ropes and rammed her ass into Brie’s back to cause the Bella Twin to fall out of the ring. Unbeknownst to all in the ring, Nikki Bella was hiding underneath and traded places with her sister. Back in the ring, Nikki hit a weak dropkick onto Maryse for a near fall. Alicia Fox tagged in as did Natalya. Natalya hit Fox with several clotheslines and a snapmare. Alicia sat up, so Natalya hit a low dropkick to the back of Shittina’s head. Natalya lifted Fox up for a bodyslam, only to be distracted by Melina. Natalya quickly ignored Melina and clamped on the Sharpshooter. Melina made the save, causing Natalya to charge after her. Melina grabbed Natalya’s foot, allowing Fox to hit a not-too-bad kick to the head. Natalya no-sold it and suplexed Fox. Melina distracted Natalya yet again, planting a kick right in the Divas Champ’s head. Melina tagged in to finish Natalya off, only to see her frenemy make the hot tag to Eve. Eve hit a mere neckbreaker to pin Melina. If Melina is getting the next title shot, what purpose does it serve to have her lose cleanly to Eve, who 1) isn’t the current Divas Champion and 2) hasn’t been in the title picture since she likely spurned Howard Finkel’s advances? Not as bad as Raw Divas matches normally are. **
Scott Stanford, the lead announcer of WWE Superstars (otherwise known as the show 95% of the US can’t see because they either can’t or don’t care to gain access to WGN America) officially replaces Josh Matthews as the backstage interview man. Stanford interviews Miz, who defies his critics to not recognize that he is still the WWE Champion and also awesome. No arguments here.
WWE Tag Team Champions Santino Marella & Vladimir Kozlov Vs. The Uso Brothers:
This wasn’t a good match at all. The Usos were unusually sloppy and careless. Kozlov wrestled like it was November 2008: dreadful. Kozlov and Jimmy Uso started the match. Kovlov hit a sloppy Sambo takedown. Jimmy Uso popped up and made a running charge towards Kozlov. Kozlov locked on a headlock that was awkwardly transitioned into a rollover leg cravat for a near tapout. Santino tagged in and hit a Sambo side takedown onto Jimmy. Jimmy Uso managed to squirm free, none too gracefully. Jimmy took Santino down with clotheslines and shoved Marella into the corner. Jey Uso tagged in and proceeded to punch, kick and clothesline Santino. Jey Uso clamped on a headlock, only for Santino to twist around and began to spread Jey’s fingers apart. What the hell? Kozlov tagged in and took Jey Uso down with a headbutt. Kozlov hit a few bad kicks and wrapped Jey into a bearhug. Kozlov landed a few more headbutts onto Jey Uso’s head before lifting the Samoan up for the running powerslam. Jimmy made the save by yanking Jey off of Kozlov’s shoulders. Jimmy tagged in and ascended the ropes to take Kozlov down with a dropkick for a near fall. Jimmy clamped on a side headlock, which Kozlov tried to fight off. Jimmy knocked Kozlov back doen and tagged Jey in. Kozlov began to crawl towards Santino, but Jey made a futile attempt to drag Kozlov away. Kozlov kicked Jey off and made the hot tag. Santino took Jey down with a hip toss and ducked a few clotheslines. Santino hit a second hip toss for another near fall. Jimmy attempted to make the save, but Kozlov ran towards him. In a moment of unintentional comedy, Kozlov ended up entangling himself in the ropes. Jimmy Uso tried to refrain from laughing while trying to free the clumsy Russian. Michael Cole and Josh Matthews didn’t hold back the laughs. The finish came when Santino went for the Cobra Knockout Pinch, but Jey hit a spinkick for the pin. Tamina entered the ring to check on her boyfriend, which incurred the wrath of her former compatriots. Santino and Kozlov made the save, cleaning house. Tamina and Santino did some funny bits involving dual Cobra Knockout Pinches. Alas, the few laughs of both varieties couldn’t save this match. ¼*
CM Punk came to the ring, wearing a Nexus armband. If you were hoping for some kind of sound, logical explanation regarding why Punk would join the Nexus, you were shit out of luck. Why did Punk agree to lead the Nexus? Because they asked him to. No explanation was ever given as to why Punk would so willingly agree to join the goons that kept beating him up periodically over the summer. Punk used Cena’s own catchphrases to mock both the perennial babyface and his legions of fans, but before he could say more, a pissed off Wade Barrett hit the ring. Barrett refused to acknowledge Punk’s claim to leadership, citing that since he was the one who injured Cena inside the steel cage at a house show, that the Nexus will remade Barrett-helmed. Both Barrett and Punk called out the remaining Nexus members, demanding to know which man the other five will stand behind as leader. Seeing all seven men in the ring gave me the perfect idea on how to save this stable: let’s re-brand them as Mayberry. Heath Slater and Justin Gabriel are already referred to as Opie Taylor and Ernest T. Bass in these recaps. Husky Harris resembles Otis the Drunk. Barrett could be Goober Pyle, Michael McGillicutty could be Emmett the Fix-It Guy and Punk could be Mayberry’s sole straight edge denizen Howard Sprague. David Otunga is shit out of luck since there were no black citizens in Mayberry. That is unless we make him the illegitimate son of Gomer Pyle- the result of an affair between Gomer and an African woman while he was stationed in Africa as a Marine. The group would wear T-shirts with a giant M emblazoned on the front and come out to bluegrass theme music. Anyway, back to reality. Before they could say anything, the Magical Mystery GM chimed in, stating that there would be a #1 Contender’s Steel Cage match to determine who will earn a title shot against The Miz at the 2011 Royal Rumble. The Nexus leader is guaranteed a spot, but a choice will have to be made. Barrett demanded the spot, to which Punk agreed- on condition that should Barrett lose, he will be thrown out of Nexus. Barrett reluctantly agreed.
Alberto Del Rio Vs. R-Truth:
Del Rio was introduced by his personal ring announcer Ricardo Rodriguez. Del Rio began to run his mouth about how it is his destiny to win the Royal Rumble and become, in his own words, “World Heavyweight Schampions”. Well, the dumb fucks in Creative should have been put the Big Gold Belt on Del Rio three weeks ago at “TLC” if the plan all along was to elevate him to the world title in 2011. Del Rio began to insult the fans when R-Truth interrupted. Truth told Del Rio that his sole destiny was to shut up and go back to Smackdown. Truth slapped Del Rio in the face, which set the stage for this match. This was another excellent match. Upon the bell being rung, Del Rio charged Truth. Truth ducked and landed several punches into Del Rio’s face. Del Rio shoved Truth into the corner and initiated another running charge, but Truth moved out of the way. Truth hit several dropkicks and clotheslined Del Rio over the top rope. Truth wasn’t finished as he took Del Rio out with a springboard shoulder tackle to the outside. Back in the ring, Truth landed more punches on Del Rio, backing the Mexican landowner into the corner. Truth climbed the ropes and delivered some more punches on Del Rio’s head. Truth scooped Del Rio up and hit a running powerslam for a near fall. Truth shot Del Rio off the ropes with the intention of backdropping the Mexican. Del Rio held onto the ropes and kicked Truth in the head for a near fall of his own. Del Rio began to work on Truth’s arm, clamping on an armbreaker. When Truth refused to tap out, Del Rio punched Truth in the arm and landed several kneedrops onto the arm. Del Rio made the cover, but Truth kicked out. Del Rio continued to work over the arm, locking on another kneeling armbreaker. Truth slowly rose to his feet and punched his way to freedom. Del Rio gave Truth a swift kick in the gut and rammed Truth into the corner. Del Rio went for a running charge, but Truth grabbed the ropes and leapt up over Del Rio. Unfortunately for Truth, Del Rio fought back with a lariat for a near fall. Del Rio grabbed Truth’s arm and used it to hiptoss Truth to the mat for another near fall. Truth attempted to get up, only for Del Rio to lean all of his weight onto Truth’s arm. Truth began to punch Del Rio, but Alberto landed a kick to the gut. Truth fell to the ropes, so Del Rio decided to run and ram both knees into Truth’s back. Truth moved out of the way, sending Del Rio flying through the ropes to the outside. Benicio Del Rodriguez went to aid his master and helped Del Rio back into the ring, where Truth was waiting with several clotheslines and a flying hiptoss for a near fall. Truth began to set up the scissors kick, but Del Rio grabbed Truth’s arm and rammed it into the ringpost. Del Rio landed on his feet outside from the impact and slid back into the ring. Del Rio clamped on the rolling armbar. Truth struggled to break free, but finally tapped out from the pain. ****
Wade Barrett was backstage with the Nexus, citing that he was still the leader. Slater and Gabriel told Barrett confidently that they will have his back, which means they won’t. Otunga sang the praises of CM Punk and urged Barrett to work things out with Punk. Speaking of Punk, he entered the locker room and shook hands with Barrett, wishing him the best of luck. Which means the bastard is getting involved in the cage match somehow. Well, prove me wrong, WWE Creative!
#1 Contender’s Triple Threat Steel Cage Escape Match: Sheamus Vs. Wade Barrett Vs. Randy Orton:
This was the best WWE triple threat cage match since Ken Shamrock, The Rock and Mankind tore down the house in a much underrated ****1/2 classic at the otherwise god-awful Break Down PPV in 1998. All three did sterling work in this match, plus the psychology was through the roof. The match was built around the hatred each man feels towards his other two opponents as well as individual desire to become WWE Champion. The match started with Barrett and Sheamus working together against common enemy Orton. Sheamus and Orton began to slug it out amongst themselves, allowing Barrett to start climbing the cage to victory. Sheamus and Orton quickly took notice, teaming together to pull Barrett off the cage and plummet the Nexus “leader” with punches and kicks. Orton soon took over the beatdown, so Sheamus decided to try and escape the steel cage. Orton managed to yank Sheamus off the cage wall, but Barrett took advantage of the confusion and gave Orton a swift kick to the head. Barrett lifted Orton atop his shoulders for the Wasteland, but Orton elbowed out of it. Barrett and Sheamus began to trade punches, allowing Orton to start climbing the cage. The Dastardly Duo stopped Orton in time, pulling him down from the mesh wall. Both heels took turns punching, stomping and kicking Orton. Orton staged a mini-comeback by repeatedly decking Barrett and Sheamus. Barrett began to climb the cage again, so Sheamus swatted Orton aside and punched Barrett right in the kidney area. Barrett winced in pain and fell off the cage. Sheamus was waiting with a lariat and knocked Barrett on his ass. Sheamus began to climb the cage, but Orton managed to stop the Celtic Warrior in time. Orton knocked both Sheamus and Barrett down with clotheslines and began to exit the cage door. However, Orton stopped in his tracks and instead dropped to his knees and began pounding the mat, signaling that one or both heels were about to get the RKO. When the match resumed from the final commercial break, Orton was sitting atop the cage, trying to get over the metal barrier. Sheamus was doing everything to stop Orton. Barrett joined the party, helping Sheamus pull Orton off the barrier and back inside the cage. Barrett and Sheamus jumped down simultaneously, only to be met by swift kicks to the gut from Orton. Orton sent Barrett face-first into the steel mesh. Sheamus took Orton down with a Bicycle Kick. Orton managed to recover, just as Sheamus was attempting to climb the cage. Sheamus fell between the mesh wall and the ring ropes, so Orton set up the second rope DDT. Barrett attempted to stop Orton, only to be kicked through the ropes. Orton immediately set up both heels for a double second rope DDT spot, but Barrett and Sheamus managed to wiggle free. Sheamus got a measure of revenge when he backdropped Orton into the cage wall. Orton ended up being the recipient of several stiff stomps and an elbow to the face. Sheamus began to climb the cage, but was stopped by Orton. Barrett slugged Orton in the back, causing the Viper to buckle over in pain. Barrett and Sheamus gave Orton a simultaneous pick-up suplex, but the alliance didn’t last as the two heels began trading punches and headbutts. The action was good and stiff, giving a hint of what a series of brawls could be like between the two down the road. Barrett rammed Sheamus into the corner and began to climb the cage. Barrett managed to make it over, but Orton yanked the limey down in time. Orton crotched Barrett on the top turnbuckle and executed a superplex. Sheamus rejoined the action by taking Orton down with the Irish Curse backbreaker. Sheamus rammed Barrett’s head repeatedly into the cage, but without blood, this spot is just stupid. Sheamus scooped Barrett up in a powerslam and slowly began crawling towards the door. Orton prevented Sheamus from crawling out of the cage. Sheamus arose to his feet and kicked Orton away. Sheamus began to climb the cage, but Barrett played spoiler by yanking Casper off the wall. Barrett gave Sheamus a taste of his own medicine by ramming that pasty white skull into the mesh walls. Barrett gave Sheamus a bodyslam, but Orton decked Barrett immediately afterward. Orton began to whip Barrett into the cage, but the Nexus “leader” reversed it. Orton came off the ropes and right into a belly-to-back suplex. Barrett began to climb the cage, but Sheamus jumped on the ropes and met Barrett at the top. Both men took turns slamming the other’s head into the large metal barrier on the top of the cage. Sheamus fell down, so Barrett decided to hit a flying elbow off the top of the cage. Sheamus lifted his knees up, causing Barrett to slam his elbow into hard flesh and bone. Sheamus went for the Bicycle Kick, but Orton took the Celtic Warrior down with clotheslines and a scoop slam. Orton lifted Sheamus up for a successful Angle Slam and then turned his sights towards Wade Barrett. Orton set up and delivered a second rope DDT, but before he could finish Barrett off, Sheamus began climbing the cage. Orton climbed the wall to stop Sheamus, but Barrett kicked the ropes, causing Orton to crotch himself as well as knocking Sheamus off the wall. Barrett began to climb the cage and was near the top when CM Punk interfered. Punk offered Barrett his hand in assistance, but little did Wade know that it was a trap. Punk ripped off Barrett’s Nexus armband and kicked the now ex-Nexus leader off the cage wall. Punk climbed down and smirked with evil satisfaction. Back inside the cage, Sheamus hit Barrett with the Bicycle Kick, but Orton took Casper down with the RKO. Orton walked out the cage door to win the match and become the new, yet old, #1 Contender. ****1/2
THE SUPER-HAPPY FUN WRESTLING SHOW
Aka Monday Night Raw - 1/10/2011 by Bill Treadway
Live from the Bridgeport Arena in Nashville, Tennessee, it’s yet another solid Raw. Judging from the past four weeks, if solid shows like these are the result of Triple H being the main producer/show runner, then by all means let him continue in that role. Word is that Vince McMahon will soon return to his old position as producer and show-runner. I think that would be a grave mistake. Under the son-in-law’s watch, Raw has had actual wrestling matches, angles that made actual sense, very few-to-no lame comedy sketches and a brisk pace that makes for compelling television. It seemed like we’d start the show off with a WWE Tag Team Championship title match, but Santino Marella & Vladimir Kozlov were attacked and left for dead by CM Punk & the Nexus. Punk grabbed the mic. and cut a killer promo. Punk said that although the Nexus were the most dominant force in WWE last year, under Wade Barrett’s leadership, the stable of thugs were floundering. However, with Punk now the new leader of the re-christened New Nexus, he will provide the tools the stable needs to succeed in the future. Punk took credit for Cena’s injury, saying that he softened him up with a series of attacks, directly causing the hip injury at year’s end. Punk said that the days of “hustle, loyalty and respect” are over for Cena, since those three qualities will be exemplified solely by Punk and the New Nexus. Speaking of the New Nexus, since tonight marks a new beginning for the stable, the members must prove their worth by partaking in initiations. Punk called Michael McGillicutty over and told him that for his initiation, he must take a beatdown from the Nexus. Like clockwork, the usual pedestrian beatdown occurred. Sloppy spinebuster from Otunga. Running backcracker from Heath Slater. Football tackle lariat from Husky Harris. 450 Splash from Justin Gabriel, albeit a hesitant one from the new Ernest T. Bass. Punk finished off McGillicutty with the Go To Sleep. I guess they’re making Punk a sadistic looney tune leader a la Charles Manson. At least this is a fresh step forward for the Nexus and it made for intriguing TV.Alberto Del Rio Vs. R-Truth:
This rematch of last week’s **** thriller was a rather short one at barely two minutes, but it was damn good while it lasted. Truth ran towards Del Rio with the intent of revenge, but Del Rio ducked out of the way. Truth managed to prevent himself from crashing into the corner and turned around quickly, landing several fast rights to Del Rio’s surprised face. Both men locked up, with Truth backing Del Rio into the corner. Truth climbed the ropes and decked Del Rio with a flurry of punches. Del Rio managed to cease the attack by lifting Truth up and hitting an atomic drop for a near fall. Del Rio hit two running knees to Truth’s back for another near fall. Del Rio waited for Truth to get up so he could hit the rapping wrestler with a clothesline. Truth ducked the clothesline and knocked Del Rio down with a headscissors. Truth landed several clotheslines onto Del Rio, eventually leading to both men tumbling over the top rope. Del Rio’s personal ring announcer Ricardo Rodriguez began to berate Truth. Rodriguez swung his fist towards Truth, but Truth hit Benicio Del Toro with several hard rights. Unfortunately for Truth, Del Rio slithered back into the ring to beat the ref’s 10 count. Truth didn’t, resulting in a count-out loss. Del Rio grabbed the mic and began to make fun of the Nashville music scene for cheap heat. Alberto began to sing, warbling so off-key that one would think William Hung was in the house. **1/2
The Magical Mystery GM sent an e-mail singing the praises of Michael Cole. After several minutes of this nauseatingly self congratulatory claptrap, Jerry Lawler interrupted, citing that he had a message from the WWE Universe: "SHUT UP"!!!!!! Calling Cole a coward, Lawler arose from his seat and made his way towards the podium. Cole squealed like a pussy that Lawler couldn’t touch him, but Lawler closed the paper-laden laptop. The Magical Mystery GM sent another e-mail, defending Cole and saying that the asskisser isn’t a coward. Since Lawler isn’t a coward either, the MMGM booked a tag team match for the main event: Lawler will team with Randy Orton to take on WWE Champ The Miz and Alex Riley. Cole seemed to salivate at the thought of Lawler’s destruction at the hands of Miz and Riley. Backstage, Husky Harris is next on the initiation list. Punk said that Harris must take twelve lashes to the back with leather whips, shirtless. Slater and Gabriel showed grave misgivings over this initiation, but whipped Husky nonetheless. Punk sadistically gave Harris what seemed like 20 lashes, reminiscent of the time Hulk Hogan whipped David Flair 40 times with a leather belt instead of the planned five lashes. Harris’ back was sickingly red and puffy afterwards.
United States Champion Daniel Bryan & Mark Henry Vs. Ted DiBiase, Jr. & Tyson Kidd:
They should change Henry’s
theme music to Stephen Stills’ 1971 semi-hit “Change Partners”
since Henry seems to change tag team partners the way some people change
their socks. Even with Henry’s involvement, this was a good, short
match. Kidd’s bodyguard Jackson Andrews was noticeably absent. Word
on the street is that Andrews was sent back to FCW for more training.
How bad a worker is Andrews when David Otunga and Drew McIntyre remain
on the main roster in prominent roles despite having several things
in common with a cow pasture (they’re both green and they both stink).
DiBiase and Bryan started the match out well. It’s a shame that WWE
Creative has chosen to piss away a potentially great feud in Bryan/DiBiase,
especially after their awesome ****1/2 match at Survivor Series last
year. Talk about wasted potential. The intention for this match was
to build up Bryan/Kidd for a title program, but WWE Creative is going
about it in an awfully peculiar way. Bryan kicked the shit out of DiBiase’s
legs, practically making them the color of raw hamburger. DiBiase did
a good job of selling the kicks. DiBiase took control by tossing Bryan
over the ropes and to the floor outside. Kidd hovered over Bryan outside
and laid in a few wayward kicks to the back and gut. Bryan slowly returned
to the ring, where DiBiase landed a kneedrop to the shoulder for a near
fall. Kidd tagged in and worked over Bryan’s weak shoulder. Kidd rammed
Bryan shoulder-first into the corner and kept working over the shoulder
with punches and kicks. DiBiase tagged in and continued to punish the
shoulder with kneedrops and punches. DiBiase locked on a side headlock
that Bryan fought his way out of. Bryan made the hot tag to Henry, just
as DiBiase tagged in Kidd. Henry clotheslined Kidd and shoved him into
the corner. Henry missed a running charge and went splat into the corner.
Kidd motioned for DiBiase to join him in the ring. Both men attempted
a dual dropkick, but Henry shrugged them off. Henry grabbed Kidd and
squashed him with the World’s Strongest Slam for the pin. If Kidd
is supposed to be the top contender for the US Championship, why have
Henry pin him two weeks in a row? Strange. ***
The Big Show entered the ring, thanking the Magical Mystery GM for giving him TV time on Raw to address the situation with Wade Barrett. For those who don’t watch Smackdown, Barrett was moved to that brand with no build-up or explanation why. He attacked the Big Show, costing him a title shot at the Big Gold Belt on the Royal Rumble PPV. Before Show could detail the many ways he’s going to make Barrett pay, CM Punk and the New Nexus intervened. Punk ordered Otunga to hit the ring and attack the Big Show. Show destroyed Otunga, beating the black right out of him until he was whiter than Sheamus. After ramming Otunga into the barricade, announce table and steel ring steps, Show tossed Mr. Hudson into the ring and hit the Big Punch to knock him out.
John Morrison Vs. Sheamus:
I figured that their ***** ladder match last month at “TLC” was the blow-off to their feud, but here we have yet another Morrison/Sheamus match. Considering how good their matches usually are, I have no complaints about yet another rematch. Tonight was no different, as the two yet again stole the show with an excellent match. It wasn’t quite as outstanding as the Falls Count Anywhere, King Of The Ring finals or ladder matches, but it was better than their Survivor Series match. The match started out red-hot and stayed there. Both men began to trade blows, taking turns punching and kicking each other. Sheamus took Morrison down with a swift kick to the gut. The Celtic Warrior stomped and dropped rapid kneedrops onto the back & shoulder of Morrison. Morrison slowly started to arise, but Sheamus knocked him over with a knee to the gut for a near fall. Morrison attempted to get up, only to be repeatedly knocked down by Sheamus. Morrison did manage to finally get to his feet and launch a punching defense, but Sheamus hit Morrison with a second knee to the gut for another near fall. Morrison and Sheamus traded kicks & punches before the Shaman Of Sexy gained the advantage with several clotheslines and a spinkick to the face. Sheamus & Morrison locked up and ended up backed into the corner. Sheamus broke the lock-up by kicking Morrison in his weak knee, sending the Shaman Of Sexy tumbling down to the mat. Morrison retaliated by jumping up and kicking Sheamus in the face. With Sheamus lying flat on the mat, Morrison leapt onto the ropes for Starship Pain. Alas, Sheamus popped right up and shoved Morrison off the ropes to the floor outside. Sheamus slithered out of the ring just as the commercial break started. When the match resumed, both men were back inside the ring. Sheamus was working over Morrison’s weak shoulder, clamping on an armlock with sheer precision. Morrison slowly rose and began throwing punches in an attempt to break free, but Sheamus merely scooped him up into a powerslam for a near fall. Sheamus flung Morrison over the ropes and snapped the weak arm over the top rope, causing the Shaman Of Sexy to wince in pain. Sheamus slid back into the ring and made the cover, but Morrison kicked out in time. Morrison attempted to use his feet to kick Sheamus in the face, but Sheamus just stomped on him instead. Sheamus clamped on the armlock once more, but Morrison managed to get to his feet and back the human jar of mayo into the corner. Morrison wailed on Sheamus with a flurry of hard rights before Sheamus shoved him off. Sheamus attempted to charge Morrison, but Morrison ducked out of the way. Morrison went for the Flash Kick off the ropes, but Sheamus ducked out of the way. Sheamus once again attempted to charge Morrison, but Morrison backdropped him over the top rope instead. Morrison leapt off the ropes into a springboard flying crossbody, but Sheamus managed to land a swift kick to the gut just as Morrison was flying down. Sheamus eagerly threw Morrison back into the ring and patiently waited for the Shaman Of Sexy to get up, so a Bicycle Kick could be delivered. Morrison started to rise, but ended up collapsing. Miffed, Sheamus walked over and stomped on Morrison’s back. Sheamus peeled Morrison off the mat and planted him atop the first turnbuckle. Sheamus climbed the ropes for a superplex, but Morrison shoved the Celtic Warrior off. Morrison jumped down and hit a running knee to the head, incredibly getting the pin over Sheamus once again. ****1/4
Punk demanded that Heath Slater and Justin Gabriel beat each other with Singapore canes. They are to beat each other with the canes until Punk says they can cease. Both men refuse to do so. Punk demands they hit each other or they’re out of the New Nexus. Slater & Gabriel threw the canes down to the floor and walked away. Either the Slater/Gabriel tandem is out of the New Nexus or this will all be forgotten about once Vince resumes running the show. The first inductee into the WWE Hall Of Fame Class of 2011 was heavily hyped all evening. Promising a big name and the Greatest Superstar of All Time, the initial inductee turned out to be HBK himself, Shawn Michaels. I guess the planned all-WCW Class has been cancelled. However, Michaels is a deserved, worthy choice, attitude/drug problems and Montreal Screwjobs aside. The Nashville crowd popped big time for HBK, who seemed genuinely moved over the enormous pop. Michaels didn’t get to utter a single word as Alberto Del Rio interrupted. Del Rio insisted the cheers were for him, citing that Michaels was never cheered. That one ranks alongside 2009 heel Matt Hardy claiming “the people never cheered for me” and Hulk Hogan promising to “lead TNA to the Promised Land” as among the biggest whoppers ever said inside a wrestling ring. Del Rio mentioned that he is going to win the Royal Rumble and win the Heavyweight title. I guess WWE Creative realized that Del Rio calling the Big Gold Belt the “Shampionships” garnered too many laughs. Del Rio was finally shut up by Sweet Chin Music, much to the delight of the Nashville fans. Michaels playfully grabbed Del Rio’s white scarf and wrapped it around his head afterward.
John Cena was about to be introduced when CM Punk interrupted. Punk was standing atop the Titantron. He sang the praises of Harris, McGillicutty and Otunga, saying that the trio were worthy of remaining in the New Nexus. Punk mentioned that now was the time for his own initiation, in which he would dive off the Titantron and splatter onto the steel floor below. The Nashville fans cheered wildly at the thought of Punk falling to his bloody death, which was disturbing. However, not as disturbing as having Punk joke about wearing a harness and being safe. Considering the Martha Hart suit is still on, this was not exactly the wisest thing for WWE Creative to green-light. I think they were taking a shot at Sting, who has yet to make up his mind as to whether or not to sign with WWE over TNA. However, most people will think of Owen Hart’s untimely death instead. Either way, it was a stupid thing to joke about. Punk berated the fans as he lowered himself down to the floor. As Punk walked to the ring, he continued to trash the fans and declared that as the leader of the New Nexus, he is exempt from initiations. Punk once again took credit for ridding WWE of John Cena, but Cena appeared on the Titantron. Cena scolded Punk, citing since that he already gave the Nexus their initiations, Punk was only wasting his time. However, there was one Nexus member who has yet to receive a Cena beatdown: CM Sucks. Cena challenged Punk to a main event match next week on Raw. You’d think they save the first Cena/Punk match for WrestleMania. Punk accepted as Cena vowed to kick ass. Allegedly Cena was fined for saying the word 'ass,' which is apparently considered a curse word by WWE Creative these days. Reminds me of George Carlin, who once said it’s perfectly all right to use the word 'bitch' on TV when referring to a dog, but just don’t refer to a singer as one.
WWE Champion The Miz & Alex Riley Vs. Randy Orton & Jerry “The King” Lawler:
Lawler and Riley started the match, but Miz quickly distracted Lawler, allowing Riley to attack King from behind. Riley knocked King down with punches & kicks and tagged in his mentor. Miz hovered over Lawler the way a vulture hovers over a potential future meal. Miz and Riley double teamed on the King, alternately stomping on the Hall Of Famer. Lawler got to his knees, only to get suckerpunched by Miz. Lawler responded to the suckerpunch by rising to his feet and decking Miz with a flurry of hard rights that looked great. Lawler may be 61, but he can still throw a great looking punch when it counts. Miz immediately bailed to the outside, but Lawler followed and continued his assault, slamming Miz’ head against the announce table, then ramming the WWE Champ backfirst against the ring apron and steel ring steps. Back inside the ring, Lawler hit another hard punch but Miz managed to counter with a punch of his own. Riley tagged in, only to be bodyslammed by Lawler. Orton tagged in and glared at Riley, who backed himself into the corner. Once there, Orton waylaid Riley with punches and European uppercuts galore. Riley managed to hit Orton with a swift kick to the gut and scurried over to make the hot tag to Miz. Miz charged Orton, but Orton took the WWE Champion down with a clothesline and immediately unleashed the Garvin Stomp. Lawler tagged in and resumed his punching assault on Miz, eventually taking it to the corner. Lawler went for a running punch, only to eat a boot to the face from Miz. Miz sat on Lawler and landed a few punches that threw the King off for a bit. Miz got up and stomped on Lawler, but the referee peeled the WWE Champion off. Miz was enraged, but he ceased his stomping attack. Miz clamped on a side headlock and knocked Lawler down to the mat just as the final commercial break occurred. When the action resumed, Riley had tagged in and was on the receiving end of a Lawler punch attack. Riley shoved Lawler into the corner and attempted a running shoulder tackle into Lawler’s gut. Lawler moved out of the way in the nick of time, causing Riley to crash into the ringpost. Riley staggered around briefly until Lawler knocked him down with a hard right. Lawler made the tag to Orton, but the ref didn’t see it due to a distraction from Miz. With Riley now distracting the ref, Miz came into the ring and attacked Lawler from behind. Miz reached over and shoved Orton off the ring apron before decking Lawler in the face with a punch. Miz immediately went for the Skull Crushing Finale, but unbeknownst to the WWE Champion, Orton entered the ring and hit the RKO. Lawler made the cover, but Miz kicked out. I guess someone forgot that Miz wasn’t the legal man. Orton finally tagged in, just as Riley re-entered the match. Orton took Riley down with several clotheslines and a scoop slam. Orton wasn’t finished with the punishment as he gave Riley a stiff backbreaker. Riley attempted to roll out of the ring but Orton stopped him and executed a second rope DDT on Riley. Miz distracted Orton to prevent a pin attempt, but Riley’s attempted attack from behind failed spectacularly when Orton hit the RKO out of nowhere on the lackey. Lawler tagged in and climbed the ropes, hitting a flying fist from the second rope on Riley to get the pin. Orton glared at Miz as the Champ grabbed the WWE Championship belt and walked to the back. Really good match ruined by having a 61 year old color commentator pinning yet another twenty-something wrestler. ***3/4
THE SUPER-HAPPY FUN WRESTLING
SHOW 
Aka Monday Night Raw - 1/17/2011 by Bill Treadway
Live from the Verizon Arena in Little Rock, Arkansas, it’s another solid edition of Monday Night Raw. It’s hard to believe but under Triple H’s watch, Raw has become must-see TV. That’s not to say it has been perfect, but considering how consistently awful Raw has been over the last two years or so, these past five weeks have been extremely enjoyable. The show opened with a clip package honoring the memory of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Isn’t it funny how WWE pays homage to a civil rights leader yet remains hesitant to give any black wrestlers a main event push? Next up was a second clip package, this one detailing the attack on John Cena by CM Punk and the Nexus. Cena has been recovering from a hip pointer bruise, with tonight marking his in-ring return since suffering the injury three weeks ago. Cena announced that since it’s a new year, he has a few resolutions on his check list. First, he’ll take CM Punk out of the picture. Then, he will win the Royal Rumble. After that, he’ll regain the WWE Championship from The Miz at Wrestlemania. Naturally, that remark brought out the WWE Champion along with his lackey/asskisser/resident drunk driver, Alex Riley. Miz said that Cena is so played out in the main event that no one wants to see him anymore. I’m not too sure about that one, Miz. Miz made the bombshell announcement that the 2011 Royal Rumble match will feature 40 participants rather than the usual 30. That is going to be one L-O-N-G Rumble match unless they play around with the intervals in which new wrestlers enter the match. Besides, I’m not sure people have the patience for a 75-90 minute Rumble match these days. Cena mentioned that Miz is a lucky champion since theoretically, he should have lost the WWE Championship twice. Jerry Lawler lost a TLC match two months ago due to Michael Cole’s interference while Alex Riley butted in Randy Orton’s challenge at TLC last month. Cena called Miz a coward, which was something the Champ took exception to. Miz declared that he is afraid of no one. Miz declared that he will destroy Randy Orton at the Royal Rumble. Cena declared that Orton will win, setting up yet another Cena/Orton match that he proclaimed “everyone will want to see headline Wrestlemania 27”. Sorry John, but don’t bet on it! Cena and Miz were about to come to blows when CM Punk & the New Nexus butted in. Punk trashtalked Cena, declaring that the New Nexus are guaranteed to help propel Mr. Charles Manson Punk to victory and a title shot at Wrestlemania. Punk ordered his thugs to beat Cena to oblivion, but Santino Marella and Vladimir Kozlov helped Cena fend the goons off. The Magical Mystery GM chimed in, declaring that if ONE member of the New Nexus interferes in the Cena/Punk match later in the evening, the New Nexus will be excluded from the Royal Rumble match.WWE Tag Team Champions Santino Marella & Vladimir Kozlov Vs. The Uso Brothers:
For those who forgot, the Usos defeated the WWE Tag Team Champions in a horrible ¼* non-title match two weeks ago. All four men atoned for that disaster with a far better outing this week. Jey Uso charged Santino, but Santino fought back with a flurry of punches. Santino flipped Jey to the mat with a judo toss before whipping Jey into the corner. Santino began to charge, only to be distracted by Jimmy Uso. Santino slugged Jimmy, causing him to stumble through the ropes, but that was the opening Jey needed, climbing the ropes and taking Santino down with a dropkick off the top. Jey made the cover, but Santino kicked out. Jimmy Uso tagged in and did some double-team work with his brother. Santino was sent into the ropes and elbowed down to the mat. The Usos hit a double standing elbow drop on Santino for a near fall. Jimmy softened Santino up with a few hard rights to the head before tagging Jey back in. Jimmy held Santino up, allowing Jey to hit a kick to the gut. Jey stomped Santino a single time before going for the cover. Santino kicked out, infuriating Jey Uso. Jey clamped on a sleeper, but Santino rose to his feet and used a judo toss to break free. Santino went for the hot tag to Kozlov, but Jey Uso grabbed his leg and began to drag Santino away. Santino rolled over and used his feet to shove Jey Uso into the ropes. Santino next used his feet to toss Jey into the air and down to the mat. This allowed Santino to make the hot tag. Kozlov came in like a rocket, just as Jimmy Uso tagged in. Kozlov shoved Jimmy Uso to the mat but Jimmy popped right up. Undeterred, Kozlov grabbed Jimmy’s head and slammed it into the top turnbuckle. Kozlov kept the action coming, hitting a boot to the face and grabbing Jimmy by the arms and slamming him onto the mat. Kozlov scooped Jimmy Uso up into a powerslam for a near fall that was broken up by Jey Uso. Santino entered the ring, only to be hit in the face with a hard right from Jey Uso. Kozlov grabbed Jey and tossed him over the top rope before turning his attention to Jimmy. Kozlov went for a chokeslam, but Jimmy fought out with elbows to the face. Jimmy gave Kozlov a superkick in the groin, causing Kozlov to stumble into the corner. Jimmy’s running charge was stopped by a Sambo shove by Kozlov. Santino made the tag and immediately went for the Cobra Knockout Pinch, hitting it successfully. Kozlov slammed Jey Uso onto the floor outside to prevent any interference as Santino pinned Jimmy Uso to retain the WWE Tag Team Championship. ***
United States Champion Daniel Bryan Vs. John Morrison:
Bryan came out with the Worthless Twins, all wearing the new Daniel Bryan T-shirt in a form of not-so-subliminal advertising. This was an excellent match, but would you expect any less from these two? Both men locked up. Bryan attempted a rear waistlock, but Morrison wiggled free. Bryan grabbed hold of Morrison’s arm and twisted it. Morrison catapulted himself down to the mat with a dive and managed to somersault himself onto his feet. Morrison grabbed Bryan’s arm and gave him an armdrag. Morrison clamped on an armlock. When Bryan rose to his knees, Morrison scurried over and repositioned his armlock, using his knee to apply pressure to Bryan’s weak shoulder. Bryan flipped around on the mat before taking Morrison down with a suplex. Bryan attempted another armtwist, but Morrison elbowed his way to freedom. Morrison ran the ropes, but Bryan hit a leapfrog, laid himself flat on the mat and took Morrison down with a dropkick. Morrison rolled out of the ring, so Bryan decided to try a suicide dive. Morrison moved out of the way, so Bryan modified it into a baseball slide out of the ring instead. Both men started the other down before re-entering the ring simultaneously just as a commercial break occurred. When the match resumed, Morrison had Bryan clad inside a reverse headlock, reclining on his back to add additional pressure. Both men managed to get to their feet with Bryan landing a swift kick to Morrison’s gut. Bryan ran the ropes, only to get a kick in the gut and taken down with a Russian Leg Sweep from Morrison. Morrison immediately went for Starship Pain, but Bryan rolled out of the way, causing Morrison to crash to the mat. Bryan took advantage with a kick to the head for a near fall. Bryan attempted to lock on the LeBell Lock, but Morrison managed to wiggle free. Morrison rose to his feet and sent Bryan into the ropes. Bryan ducked a clothesline. Morrison decided to also run the ropes, ending with both men colliding due to simultaneous flying bodypresses. The referee began counting to ten, but both men managed to beat the count. Bryan and Morrison began trading punches and kicks. Bryan ducked a clothesline and lifted Morrison up into a German suplex. Morrison landed on his feet and leapt up for a Frankensteiner. Bryan rolled Morrison down to the mat for a near fall. Morrison attempted to roll up Bryan, but the US Champ maneuvered himself around Morrison’s chest and planted his knees onto Morrison’s shoulders for another near fall. Morrison used his feet to roll Bryan’s shoulders down to the mat for a near fall of his own, broken when Bryan rolled right onto his feet. Bryan went for another kick to the skull, but Morrison ducked the kick and rolled up Bryan for another near fall. Bryan attempted to clamp on the LeBell Lock, but Morrison resisted. Morrison sent Bryan into the corner with a slingshot and hit the Flash Kick off the ropes. Morrison finished Bryan off with a running knee to the skull to win this non-title match. After the match, Sheamus came out and taunted both men, claiming that only he will outlast “turdey-nine” other WWE Superstars to win the Royal Rumble. **** Michael Cole bragged about the Stand Up For WWE campaign winning a not-so-prestigious Mashable Award for Best Internet Campaign. Has anyone out there on planet Earth even heard of the Mashable Awards? Backstage, the Bella Twins take a friendly wager over which one will be Daniel Bryan’s first. Oh well, it could be worse. Could be Vickie Guerrero and Nicole Bass betting.
Randy Orton Vs. Dolph Ziggler:
Speaking of Vickie, Cole went on super overdrive in trying to come up with enough synonyms for 'gorgeous Diva' in regards to the so-called cougar. Now I know the man has cataracts. This was a good match marred by unusual sloppiness. Ziggler gained the early advantage by backing Orton into the corner. The ref decided to break the tie-up in the corner, but Ziggler landed a suckerpunch. Ziggler took Orton down with punches, kicks and stomps. Ziggler started to whip Orton into the ropes, but Orton reversed course. Ziggler ducked a clothesline but Orton took Dolph down with the Thesz Press, a move once referred to as “the dick in the mouth press” by Mick Foley. Orton decked Ziggler with several punches, but Ziggler reversed an Irish Whip into the corner. Ziggler charged towards Orton, only to eat a wicked but sloppy clothesline. Orton grabbed a handful of Ziggler’s hair and punched downward on the chest repeatedly. Ziggler tried to bail to the outside but Orton stopped him in time. Orton used his foot to hold Ziggler in place while stomping the shit out of him. Orton grabbed Ziggler’s legs and proceeded to slingshot him into the bottom rope for a near fall. Orton clamped on a side headlock but Ziggler wrapped his hands around Orton’s neck and executed a sitdown neckbreaker to break free from the Viper’s grip. Ziggler knocked Orton silly with a dropkick for a near fall. Ziggler targeted Orton’s weak knee, still tender from his showdowns with The Miz and the Nexus in November. Ziggler stomped on the bad knee, causing Orton to grab Ziggler’s leg in a vain attempt to stop the onslaught. It didn’t work, with Ziggler shoving Orton’s hands off and placing the leg onto the bottom rope. Ziggler began to stomp on the leg, but in a camera foul-up that would make TNA Technical shake their heads in disbelief, we clearly saw Ziggler’s foot AVOID Orton’s leg and hit the mat, not once but twice! Cole and Lawler attempted to cover up the mistake, but even they sounded dumbfounded by such a technical fuck-up. I have a feeling this scene will be quietly snipped out of the mun2 replay later in the week. Ziggler rolled out of the ring and kept his assault on target, slamming Orton’s leg on the ring apron and around the ringpost. Orton hobbled in pain towards the corner. Ziggler approached the Viper, only to fall prey to a trap. Orton punched the shit out of Ziggler’s chest and face, throwing in stiff European uppercuts for added measure. Orton backed Ziggler into a different corner and gave Dolph more of the same. Ziggler did manage to duck an uppercut and hit Orton with a sloppy dropkick for a near fall. Ziggler clamped on a twisted kneelock onto Orton’s weak leg, but Orton grabbed a fistful of blond hair and punched Ziggler repeatedly until the submission hold was broken. More punches and European uppercuts by Orton onto a dazed Ziggler. Orton hit a weird looking reverse backbreaker onto Ziggler. Orton attempted to stomp on Ziggler but Dolph moved out of the way and shoved Orton into the corner. Ziggler missed a running splash and ended up eating several clotheslines & a scoop slam from Orton. Ziggler attempted to roll out of the ring but Orton grabbed the hair and set up the second rope DDT. Ziggler escaped by ramming his fist into Orton’s weak knee. Orton buckled over in pain, allowing Ziggler to hit the Zig Zag for a near fall. Orton softened Ziggler with a European uppercut to the chest and lifted Ziggler up for the Angle Slam. Ziggler managed to move behind Orton’s back and lock on the sleeper. Both men collapsed to the mat. Orton attempted to get up, only to be shoved back down by Ziggler. Ziggler kept the sleeper locked on tight, even when Orton refused to tap. The referee peeled Ziggler off, who was infuriated. Ziggler attempted another sleeper, but Orton hit the sloppiest looking RKO in wrestling history for the pin. Seriously, this RKO looked more like a facebreaker than anything. Orton didn’t get a chance to celebrate as WWE Champion The Miz and Alex Riley hit the ring to beat the shit out of the Viper. Miz threw Orton into the steel ring steps and started to set the announce table up for future breakage. Jerry Lawler attempted to come to the rescue, only to be sent headfirst over the barricade by the WWE Champ. Miz just brutalized Orton, slamming his head against every available surface before sending the Viper crashing through a piece of the barricade. Miz hovered over a fallen Orton and declared that the WWE Champion is awesome. ***1/2 Husky Harris, Michael McGillicutty and David Otunga expressed doubt about Punk being able to defeat Cena without help. Punk entered the frame and kept spouting out gibberish about “faith”. Such talk would lead one to think Punk is aping Christopher Daniels’ Fallen Angel gimmick, especially since Punk isn’t shy about stealing stuff from other wrestlers.
Divas Champion Natalya Vs. Maryse:
This match was scheduled to take place on last week’s Raw, but was held over due to time constraints. Joining Cole on commentary were Eve Torres and Melina, the latter of whom looked like she wanted to be anywhere but there at the moment. Eve put over Natalya, mentioning how she’d like to challenge the Divas Champ someday. Not unless she starts sucking Howard Finkel’s dick first. This match was better than one would expect from the likes of Maryse, but still nothing to brag about. It started out very rough when Maryse attacked Natalya with the most pathetic punch in a women’s wrestling match since Sharmell/Jenna Morasca two years ago. Maryse badly shoved Natalya into the ropes, but Natalya bounced back and took Maryse down to the mat. Natalya grabbed Maryse’s legs for the Sharpshooter, but the French-Canadian do-nothing proved resistant, reaching the ropes. Maryse gave Natalya a weak kick to the gut and hit a sloppy facebreaker for a near fall. Maryse apparently grabbed Natalya by the hair and pulled it. I say apparently since the camera cut to Michael Cole and the worthless Melina, saying nary a word while alternately smirking and pouting. This is a truly peculiar way to build up a title program between Melina and Natalya. The camera cut back to the match, in which Maryse was pounding Natalya’s head into the mat, or what passes for such an offensive move in the Divas division. Oh my God! Maryse actually clamped on a rear chinlock that looked halfway decent! This could be the third miracle required to canonize Pope John Paul II into sainthood. Natalya slowly rose to her feet and rammed Maryse backfirst into the corner. Maryse did her usual weak slap and stalled for a bit before Natalya took control with a kick to the gut. Natalya began to set up a suplex, but Maryse broke free with a decent armtwist. Maryse went for another slap, but Natalya ducked and hit a clothesline instead. With Maryse flat on her back, Natalya immediately locked on the Sharpshooter for the tap-out. Maryse was enraged, screaming at Michael Cole. Considering that for once he DIDN’T call her “Maurice”, he really didn’t deserve her verbal onslaught. Ted DiBiase, Jr. hit the ring, so Maryse blamed him for her loss. She kept screaming that he was a loser who couldn’t wrestle. That’s kind of like the pot calling the kettle black, isn’t it? Word on the street is that Maryse was supposed to just pout silently in the corner until DiBiase came to the rescue but she decided to take it upon herself to upstage things. An infuriated DiBiase screamed at the blonde bimbo to shut up and declared that he had just booked an over-the-top rope challenge, daring anyone backstage to accept it. *1/2
Over the Top Rope Challenge: Ted DiBiase, Jr. Vs. Mark Henry:
DiBiase swiftly kicked Henry in the gut and laid in a few punches to soften the World’s Largest Waterbed up. DiBiase attempted to send Henry into the ropes, but Henry proved immobile. Henry reversed course to send DiBiase into the corner instead. Henry squished DiBiase with the World’s Slowest Splash and grabbed DiBiase by the head. DiBiase attempted to fight his way out from Henry’s grip, but his kicks proved futile. Ted Jr’s dropkick proved successful, sending Henry into the ropes. Alas, when DiBiase aimed for a running charge, Henry merely elbowed the Fortunate Son in the face. DiBiase stumbled, which allowed Henry to grab the tights and toss DiBiase over the top rope. One would think the match would be over, but apparently, it was an open invitational as William Regal, Yoshi Tatsu and Tyson Kidd hit the ring and attacked Henry. Tatsu was quickly deposited through the ropes, but Regal and Kidd waylaid Henry with punches. Zack Ryder, Primo Colon, Darren Young, David Hart Smith and R-Truth joined the fray, making it the Battle of the Low-to-Midcarders. Men began attempting to discard the others until Sheamus entered the fray. Sheamus attacked Henry’s bad knee from behind, causing him to fall onto his knees. Sheamus cleaned house, eliminating everyone else from the fray. Sheamus clotheslined Henry over the top rope, but Henry held on. Those had to be some strong ring ropes. Henry grabbed Sheamus and proceeded to give him a Tazplex over the top rope to win the challenge. Alberto Del Rio came to the ring in his limousine and cut a promo out of the sunroof, mentioning how it is his destiny to win the Royal Rumble and become “Shampion” at WrestleMania 27. **1/2 Sadly, after a break of two weeks, lame comedy returned to Raw in the form of a faux TV commercial for a new cologne titled “World’s Strongest Man”. Rookie Derrick Bateman, aping Art Garfunkel in the hair department, sings the praises of a cologne made from the sweat of Mark Henry. After splashing some on, Bateman begins sniffing socks, shoes and other assorted objects. At least there wasn’t a jock strap.
John Cena Vs. CM Punk:
This was not just an excellent match- it was one of the better Raw main events of the year so far. The only caveat was the non-finish. Punk taunted Cena at the start, pointing to his head and proclaiming superior intelligence. Cena answered with his fists, forcing Punk to cower in the corner like a little pussy. Cena wasn’t fooled by Punk’s cowardice and promptly sent him to an adjacent corner with an ultra-stiff Irish Whip the force of which took Cena off his feet. Cena took Punk down with with a bulldog and sat atop the New Nexus leader to deliver a flurry of hard rights to the skull. Cena grabbed Punk by the head and slammed it into the top turnbuckle. Punk once again cowered at the bottom like a coward. Cena still didn’t buy into Punk’s mindgame and merely kicked him in the gut. Punk was sent into the corner with an Irish Whip. Punk stumbled backward, allowing Cena to land several stiff punches to the back of the neck for a near fall. Cena sent Punk into the ropes for a backdrop, but Punk landed a kick to the chest and head. Cena crumbled down by the ropes, allowing Punk to use a baseball slide to force Cena to the floor outside. After the final commercial break of the evening, Punk had his legs wrapped around Cena’s head, landing elbow shots to the forehead for good measure. Punk rolled Cena over for a pin attempt, but Cena got his shoulder up. Cena started to rise up, only to be kicked in the gut by Punk. Punk hit the DDT on Cena for a near fall. Punk delivered several kneedrops to Cena’s back as Michael Cole proclaimed that Punk was supremely radiant. Now WWE Creative is ripping off Charlotte’s Web? Next thing you know, Cole will be discussing how terrific Punk is, not to mention humble and crunchy. Anyway, after those stiff kneedrops, Punk covered Cena for yet another near fall. Punk wrapped his legs around Cena’s head once again, but Cena unpeeled Punk’s legs and popped right up to put on the STF. Punk shoved Cena off with his feet, but ended up falling into the path of the usual Cena shoulder tackles. Next was the liftoff powerbomb followed by You Can’t See Me. Cena went for the Attitude Adjustment, but Punk managed to slide off Cena’s shoulders. Punk landed on his feet and sent Cena into the ropes, hitting a flying leg lariat for a near fall. Punk continued his assault with a running knee to the head plus a bulldog for yet another near fall. Punk lifted Cena up for Go 2 Sleep, but Cena tripped Punk and clamped on the STF. Punk reached the ropes to break the hold. Both men ran the ropes and ended up colliding into a steaming, hulking mass when each attempted a clothesline. Cena and Punk managed to beat the ref’s count. Cena immediately attempted the Attitude Adjustment, but Punk grabbed the top rope and slid down onto the ring apron. Punk landed a few kicks to Cena’s chest and hit a springboard clothesline for a near fall. Punk laid in several punches & kicks, but Cena popped right up and once more went for the Attitude Adjustment. Punk slid right off Cena’s shoulders and took his nemesis down with a facebreaker. Punk locked on the Koji Clutch, of which Cole botched the call by claiming Punk had clamped on the Anaconda Vise. Cena slowly inched towards the ropes and grabbed the bottom rope to break the submission hold. Cena slid out underneath the bottom rope and was holding onto the ropes when Punk sent him flying to the floor outside with a shoulder tackle. Punk immediately set sail with a flying crossbody but Cena caught him mid-air. Cena rammed Punk backfirst into both the ring apron and the ringpost before depositing the New Nexus leader back inside the ring. Cena climbed the ropes for a legdrop, but Punk crotched Cena on the top turnbuckle. Punk climbed the ropes for a superplex, but Cena headbutted Punk off the ropes. Cena climbed the turnbuckles and hit the legdrop. Before Cena could go for the pin, a stranger jumped onto the ring apron. I thought it was Big Dave Batista, until I noticed this guy had no tattoos on his arms and chest. No, this Batista clone was fresh-from-developmental Mason Ryan who distracted Cena, allowing Punk to kick Cena in the head from behind. Ryan entered the ring to confront Punk. Punk calmly spread his arms out, taking a boot to the face. The ref called for the bell, either declaring the match a no-contest or a DQ in Punk’s favor(It was never announced). Little Dave chokeslammed Cena with reckless abandon. Naturally, the remaining New Nexus members hit the ring to join in a little pedestrian beatdown. Mason Ryan bowed down to Punk, who grabbed a spare Nexus armband and placed it on Ryan’s arm. The New Nexus is now comprised of five thugs. Word on the street is that Ryan is a very poor worker but since he has big muscles, naturally he’ll get a huge push. ****1/2
THE SUPER-HAPPY FUN WRESTLING
SHOW 
Aka Monday Night Raw - 1/24/2011 by Bill Treadway
Folks, the streak is over. After five weeks of solid TV, Raw made a startling return to mediocrity last night at the Joe Louis Arena in Detroit, Michigan. I guess Vince McMahon is back running the show because it had none of the tight focus the Triple H-produced shows did. There were also a lot more worthless vignettes and boring talk. With the exception of Edge/Miz, every match felt extremely rushed. The main event match of the evening was treated as a lame throwaway comedy match that wasn’t particularly funny or intriguing. World Heavyweight Champion Edge trotted out to the ring and demanded that WWE Champion The Miz come down to ringside immediately, so they can commence their Champion Vs. Champion match. The Magical Mystery GM chimed in and proceeded to toy around with Edge. Wanting vengeance for the destruction of the Magical Mystery Laptop last October, the MMGM has decided that Edge will wrestle twice tonight. In addition to his match with Miz, Edge would participate in an Over The Top Rope Challenge match featuring three additional midcarders...Imean, wrestlers. If Edge is tossed over the top rope, that individual responsible will be given the 40th spot in the 2011 Royal Rumble match. Accepting the MMGM’s challenge were Jack Swagger, Drew McIntyre and Tyson Kidd.
Over the Top Rope Challenge: World Heavyweight Champion Edge Vs. Jack Swagger, Drew McIntyre & Tyson Kidd:
Swagger charged towards Edge, but was Speared to hell. McIntyre and Kidd hit the ring. Edge slugged McIntyre and disposed of Kidd very quickly by gingerly tossing Charlie Brown over the top rope. Edge ended up getting a running boot to the face from McIntyre that actually looked quite good considering this is Drew McIntyre we’re talking about here. McIntyre picked up Edge and tried to deposit him over the top rope, only to be stopped by Swagger. Swagger laid in a few kicks to the gut before attempting a running clothesline. Edge calmly eliminated Swagger with a backdrop over the top rope. McIntyre attempted another running boot, but Edge just moved out of the way and tossed McIntyre over the top rope to win the challenge. Edge grabbed the mic. and thanked the MMGM for trading him to Smackdown, stating that it gave his career a kickstart. However, there was one thing he wanted to do: destroy a second Magical Mystery Laptop. Cole attempted to stop Edge, but before Edge could make a move, the New Nexus hit the ring. DUD. Speaking of the New Nexus, CM Punk officially introduced Mason Ryan, who bears an uncanny resemblance to Big Dave Batista. So much so that if the rumors that Big Dave may be returning to WWE later in the year, they should make Ryan his “nephew” or “son”. Ryan had such a thick British accent that it was impossible to understand what he was saying. Apparently, he uttered the word 'faith', which has become the mantra of the New Nexus. Punk trashed John Cena and the fans yet again, saying that the New Nexus will be rewarded when they help him win the Royal Rumble. Naturally, this brought out The Corre, led to the ring by Wade Barrett. Barrett denied that The Corre is run by any one individual, but based on the presentation, it is clear Barrett is the natural leader. Barrett vowed that The Corre will band together to eliminate each and every New Nexus member on Sunday. Ezekiel Jackson butted heads with Mason Ryan, leading to the Magical Mystery GM chiming in. Tonight, Barrett and Punk will face off in the main event. The loser will have his entire faction withdrawn from the Rumble match. Fat chance, I say. There will be a special guest referee. I don’t have to say who since most of you already guessed that it’ll be John Cena.
John Morrison & Mark Henry Vs. Sheamus & Alberto Del Rio:
This match was a severe disappointment as considering Henry was hardly in it, this should have been the best match on the show. It was slow and strangely sluggish. Morrison and Del Rio started the match by locking up. Del Rio backed Morrison into the corner and waylaid the Guru of Greatness with a string of punches & kicks to the face, chest & gut. Sheamus tagged in and lifted Morrison up to slam him head first into the top turnbuckle. Morrison wiggled off of Sheamus’ shoulders and shoved Sheamus into the corner. Morrison took the Celtic Warrior down with a headscissors and hit a dropkick for a near fall. Del Rio tagged in and ended up getting caught in a flurry of punches & dropkicks from Morrison. Both heels bailed to the outside to stall for a bit as the commercial break started. When the match resumed, Del Rio was working over Morrison’s back and bad arm, dropping kneedrops with gusto. Del Rio added a few kicks to the back before covering Morrison for a near fall. Morrison began inching his way towards Henry, but Del Rio grabbed a boot and dragged the Shaman of Sexy away. Sheamus tagged in and for some inexplicable reason, the camera cut to Michael Tarver, watching the match on a blurry monitor backstage. Who cares about a smirking Blomicide when there’s a fucking match in progress? When the camera cut back to in-ring action, Sheamus had practically decapitated Morrison with a stiff lariat. Sheamus targeted Morrison’s bad back and arm, continuing to punish with stomps, kicks, armlocks & kneedrops. Sheamus gave Morrison a backbreaker for a near fall. Sheamus anxiously waited for Morrison to rise to his feet so he could hit the Bicycle Kick. Morrison moved out of the way and jumped on the ropes to deliver a Flash Kick to the human jar of mayo. Both men managed to inch their way towards their respective corners and make the hot tag. Henry dodged a punch from Del Rio, scooping his head up for a headbutt. Henry hit the World’s Strongest Splash on Del Rio, but Sheamus broke up the pin attempt. Henry disposed of Sheamus with a headbutt and clotheslined Del Rio. Sheamus came charging for revenge, only to be taken out of the ring by Morrison. Henry was distracted, allowing Del Rio to hit the rolling armbar for the tap-out. Medicore at best. **
Divas Champion Natalya Vs. Melina:
At 2:46, this match was criminally short for a title defense that doesn’t feature drizzling shit as both Champion and challenger. It was a very good match for a Divas contest. Natalya and Melina tied up and backed into the ropes. Melina broke the tie-up and rammed her foot right into Natalya’s back, sending the Divas Champ over the top rope. Melina immediately went outside and dragged Natalya back into the ring. Melina kicked Natalya to the mat and began banging She-Anvil’s head into it. Melina went for the cover, but Natalya kicked out. Melina wrapped Natalya up in a strange combination of rear chinlock/armlock and bent backwards to add pressure. Natalya refused to tap and managed to rise to her feet with Melina still on her back. Natalya rammed Melina backfirst into the ringpost to break free from the submission. Both women traded punches & forearms until Natalya threw Melina down to the mat and clamped on the Sharpshooter. Natalya bent backwards to add additional pressure, forcing Melina to tap out. Oddly, Melina didn’t scream in pain during the submission, yet she screamed all throughout the rest of the match. Natalya didn’t have long to celebrate as LameFool hit the ring. Layla and Michelle McCool announced that they were invoking their rematch clause at the Royal Rumble. The Stoner Chipettes joined Michael Cole in making fat jokes about Natalya. You see, in WWE, if you’re a woman who ISN’T stick thin or anorexic, you’re considered pretty much obese. Besides, for a promotion that claims to cater to family entertainment with their phony PG rating, is it really such a grand idea to implant negative body issues into impressionable young female minds these days? I argue that it is not. ***
WWE Champion The Miz Vs. World Heavyweight Champion Edge:
The best match of the night, which came as no real shock. With the exception of the lame non-finish, this was an excellent match. Another problem was Dolph Ziggler and Vickie Guerrero joining on commentary. Ziggler added little of value and once the talk turned to his “lovemaking” with Vickie, I clicked the mute button and watched the remainder of the match in silence. Edge and Miz tied up to start, ending with Miz being backed into the corner. Edge started to punch Miz, but the WWE Champ retaliated with several of his own. Both men tied up again, leading to both Champs trading punches, kicks and elbows in an effort to demonstrate which one is the more dominant World Champion. After a good two minutes or so of such action, Edge broke the impasse by clotheslining Miz over the top rope as a commercial break began. Back from the break, Edge was covering Miz for a pin, but Miz kicked out at two. Miz bounced off the ropes and hit the Big Gold Belt holder with a knee to the gut. Miz laid several stomps onto Edge’s gut and back, finishing his assault with a punt to the head for a near fall. Edge & Miz traded punches, kicks and elbows once again. Edge went for the Spear, but Miz bailed out of the ring. Edge followed, where Miz was waiting with a sneak attack. After softening up the World Heavyweight Champion with some punches to the back, Miz attempted to ram Edge into the barricade. Edge was hip to Miz’ intent and reversed course, sending Miz into the barrier instead. Edge tossed Miz back into the ring and climbed the turnbuckles to launch an aerial assault. Miz jumped on the ropes and began punching Edge to set up a superplex. Edge managed to block the superplex and shove Miz down to the mat. Edge leapt off the turnbuckles for a flying crossbody that was good for a near fall. Edge began to stomp on a fallen Miz with such gusto that the referee had to peel him off. This gave Miz the opening he needed, grabbing Edge and dropping him gutfirst onto the top rope. After another commercial break, Miz hit a kneedrop onto a fallen Edge for a near fall. Miz wrapped his legs around Edge and squeezed with the precision of a vise grip. Edge wriggled around in pain, slowly fighting his way free. Both men were on their feet now and trading punches. Edge gained the advantage and clotheslined Miz for a near fall. Miz rolled Edge up for a near fall of his own. Riley jumped on the ring apron and attracted Edge’s attention. Edge left the ring to slug Riley. Upon Edge re-entering the ring, Miz rolled up Edge again for another near fall. Miz swung towards Edge’s head but Edge ducked, causing Alex Riley to take the blow and fall off the apron instead. Edge went for the DDT, only for Ziggler to leave the announce table and interfere. This brought out Randy Orton, who cleaned house. The ref called for the bell, calling the match a no-contest. **** Backstage, Josh Matthews interviews Wade Barrett and The Corre. When asked what the difference is between leading Nexus and now The Corre, Barrett replied that he lost focus as the Nexus leader due to internal fighting and chasing the WWE Championship. He says that with The Corre, he is among friends, not opportunists (a stab at David Otunga, I guess for a future match down the road). The seeds for a Barrett babyface turn were planted when he apologized for the Teddy Long beatdown on Smackdown last week and expressed hope that someday John Cena would respect him as he does Cena. Barrett’s delivery was exceptional in this segment.
United States Champion Daniel Bryan & The Bella Twins Vs. Ted DiBiase, Jr., Maryse & Alicia Fox:
Poor Ted and Bryan, as each man is stuck with two lumps of worthless shit as their respective tag partners, which is a fate worse than mid-card death if you ask me. DiBiase and Bryan started the match and lasted all of ten seconds, trading kicks until Maryse tagged herself in. Bryan tagged in Brie Bella, who quickly became distracted by her sister Nikki pawing at Bryan on the ring apron. This was all Maryse needed to get the roll-up from behind to win the match in a mere 55 seconds. The Worthless Twins began to fight over what happened, with Bryan trying to play peacemaker. After the commercial break, The Bellas entered Bryan’s dressing room to apologize, but were shocked to discover Bryan swapping spit with Gail Kim. Bryan broke the news that Gail is his girlfriend of six months, which pissed off the Worthless Twins. Brie and Nikki Worthless attacked the duo until various referees made the save. What’s next: Bryan will be seen with Alicia Fox, declaring that he has a case of jungle fever? DUD
WWE Tag Team Champions Santino Marella & Vladimir Kozlov Vs. Husky Harris & Michael McGillicutty:
This was essentially a non-title squash to set up a title match down the road. McGillicutty dominated Santino with a series of punches and kicks, eventually knocking Santino down on the mat. Harris tagged in and laid in several vicious stomps onto Santino’s back. Husky sat on Santino and delivered several punches to the head, which ended up being good for a near fall. Husky clamped on a variation of a Camel Clutch before breaking the hold to deck Kozlov. The Russian fell off the ring apron, but as Harris was gloating over his sneak attack, Santino rammed his knee into Harris’ back. Santino shoved Harris to the mat and set up the Cobra Knockout Pinch, but before he could apply it, McGillicutty distracted Santino. This was all Harris needed to regain the advantage. He slugged Santino in the face with a hard right. Santino stumbled, which allowed Harris to finish him off with a football stance clothesline for the pin. DUD
Losing Faction Must Leave Royal Rumble Match: Wade Barrett Vs. CM Punk with Special Guest Referee John Cena:
Punk and the New Nexus were already in the ring celebrating the Harris/McGillicutty victory when Wade Barrett and The Corre hit the ring. John Cena came out clad in a striped referee shirt, so the main event was on. This could have been a good slugfest, but WWE Creative chose to throw away the first Punk/Barrett singles match as a comedy vehicle for Cena. The problem was the comedy wasn’t remotely funny. Cena came off as a petty prick, which is NOT a good idea for the man who is supposed to be a role model for the PG audience (namely kids) WWE desires! In his first order of business, Cena ordered the New Nexus to the back. Barrett began to celebrate, but it turned out to be premature as Cena ordered The Corre to the back. Cena shoved Punk into the corner. Then Cena slapped Barrett hard in the face. Punk attacked Barrett, punching and kicking the ex-Nexus leader with glee. Punk peeled Barrett off the mat and callously tossed him over the top rope. Cena retaliated by throwing Punk over the top rope as well. Punk furiously re-entered the ring and confronted Cena over that indiscretion. Barrett attacked Punk from behind with a beefy fist to the back of the neck. Barrett slammed Punk to the mat and went for the cover, but Cena refused to make the count, preferring to slide out of the ring and sign autographs for a few lucky fans at ringside. Cena re-entered the ring where Barrett began to, rightly, yell at him. Punk attacked Barrett with a knee to the back, so Cena called for the bell and exited the ring. He disqualified both men for excessive profanity since Raw is a PG show. Huh? The fans started to hiss and boo, chanting “Bullshit!” Both the New Nexus and The Corre are out of the Royal Rumble, or so it seemed. The Magical Mystery GM chimed in and chastised Cena for his lame officiating. The MMGM demanded that Cena apologize or risk being removed from the 2011 Royal Rumble match. Cena entered the ring and apologized, with his fists. Naturally, this brought out the New Nexus and The Corre, who began to beat the living daylights out of Cena. That brought out every other Raw wrestler and an impromptu battle royal broke out as the show came to a close. Whoever came up with this idea should be bitchslapped. What would have been wrong with Barrett and Punk just beating each others' brains out before the bell rang, causing a no contest, leading the MMGM to declare that since there was no winner, both factions will remain in the Rumble? That may not be a perfect solution, but at least it’s a logical one that continues to build up steam for the inevitable Corre/New Nexus feud later in the year. This match did no one any favors. DUD
THE SUPER-HAPPY FUN WRESTLING
SHOW 
Aka Monday Night Raw - 1/31/2011 by Bill Treadway
Live from the Dunkin Donuts Center in Providence, Rhode Island, this is Monday Night Raw. Sadly, we now have conclusive proof that Vince McMahon has returned as show runner because all the tell tale signs that comprise his lousy vision of what makes good TV was prevalent. As a public service, here is the essential checklist:- Michael Cole was on super heel overdrive, not to mention at his most obnoxious and grating. Even MORE so than normal.
- Lame comedy has sadly returned in abundance to torture us all.
- All matches are rushed and not given the ample time necessary to properly develop.
- Screw jobs are in abundance.
- Angles that make little sense.
- Few to no explanations are given for certain actions.
- Petty insults and jokes that only amuse Vinnie Mac are in abundance.
We’re in for a very L-O-N-G
evening here, folks. Word on the street says that Vince is planning
to retire next year and hand the reigns over to Triple H permanently.
If true, let’s hope 2011 passes by very quickly. I’m not the biggest
Triple H fan and I’ve levied my fair share of criticisms towards the
son-in-law in my weekly recaps. However, the five weeks of TV he produced
were among the best I had seen in a very, very, very long time. If those
five weeks are indicative of what WWE will be like under Triple H’s
watch, I say let him reign.
Tonight’s show started with a celebration: Alberto Del Rio won the 2011 Royal Rumble and is announcing which Championship he will gun after at Wrestlemania XXVII. Del Rio’s personal ring announcer Ricardo Rodriguez led a mariachi band to a ring clad in red carpet, gold trim and loads of balloons. Del Rio came out riding in his stretch limo. Grinning wildly as he hit the ring, Del Rio declared that destiny was fulfilled last night at the Rumble. Del Rio mentioned that he hired the finest mariachi band he could find- the same one used by Mexican President Calderon. Del Rio mentioned that Mariachi music was real music, unlike that Justin Bieber junk. No arguments here. Del Rio was about to declare which World title he would challenge for at Mania when WWE Champion The Miz hit the ring. While Miz congratulated Del Rio and expressed hope that he would be chosen as the WrestleMania opponent, Miz apparently decided to protect himself by claiming that World Heavyweight Champion Edge made derogatory remarks about the Mexican. This brought out Edge, who said that he wouldn’t talk about Del Rio behind his back but right to his face. Edge insulted Del Rio, which promoted Alberto to declare that it would be the Big Gold Belt that would be his target. Edge slugged Del Rio and turned his attention towards Miz & Alex Riley. Miz & Riley backed out of the ring, allowing Del Rio to hit a kick to the gut and knock Edge down. Del Rio grabbed a guitar and smashed it over Edge’s head, allowing the Mexican to take advantage & clamp on the rolling armbar to make Edge scream in agony. This was the only segment worth a damn. The Magical Mystery GM also made a ruling about the evening’s main event. Seven WWE Superstars would participate in a Raw Rumble. Essentially a scaled back Royal Rumble match, the winner will face The Miz for the WWE Championship at Elimination Chamber in three weeks, while the six losers will participate in an Elimination Chamber match on the same pay-per-view with a WWE Championship match at stake for Wrestlemania XXVII. The participants are Randy Orton, CM Punk, John Morrison, R-Truth, Sheamus, John Cena and Jerry Lawler. Cole would proceed to spend the remainder of the evening spewing vile insults towards Lawler. I understand Cole is supposed to be a heel, but he has crossed the line between standard wrestling heel and overall jackass/scumbag.
WWE Tag Team Champions Santino Marella & Vladimir Kozlov Vs. Husky Harris & Michael McGillicutty:
You know you’re in trouble when Santino and Kozlov have the best match on the show. This was better than last week’s non-title affair, but it was only an average match. McGillicutty dominated Santino at first, backing Santino into the corner and laying a series of stiff punches onto him. The ref yanked McGillicutty off of Santino, which infuriated the New Nexus member. McGillicutty went for a running splash, but Santino moved out of the way and tagged Kozlov in. Kozlov tossed around McGillicutty with the usual Sambo moves before shoving him into the corner. Kozlov missed a running clothesline, allowing McGillicutty to tag Harris in. Husky began punching and shoving Kozlov, who responded with a Sambo takedown for a near fall. Santino tagged in and began to punch Harris furiously in the head. Santino bounced off the ropes to take Harris down, but only bounced off of Husky’s big belly. Harris whipped Santino into the ropes and took him down with a meaty forearm. Santino stumbled into the corner as McGillicutty tagged in. McGillicutty and Harris hit consecutive running clotheslines on Santino for a near fall. Frustrated, McGillicutty lifted Santino up for a backbreaker that was good for another near fall. McGillicutty tossed Santino over the top rope as the show went to commercial. When the action resumed, McGillicutty was in the process of pinning Santino. Santino kicked out at two. McGillicutty clamped on a front facelock onto Santino, who proceeded to inexplicably power out of the hold. McGillicutty promptly knocked Santino over and went for a shoulder block. McGillicutty missed, allowing Santino to make the hot tag to Kozlov. Harris promptly tagged in and Kozlov dominated Husky with punches, kicks and a wild shove to the mat for a near fall. Santino tagged in and threw McGillicutty over the top rope. Santino knocked Harris out with the Cobra Knockout Pinch and pinned him to retain the WWE Tag Team Championship. Randy Orton hit the ring and beat the crap out of McGillicutty and Harris. McGillicutty retreated to the back, leaving Harris for dead. Orton decided that the time was ripe for a punt to the head. CM Punk came out with David Otunga and Mason Ryan, warning Orton that there would be severe consequences if Orton were to punt Harris in the skull. Orton hesitated at first but decided to go for it, punting Harris in the skull. Orton escaped through the crowd as Michael Cole trashed him on commentary. Apparently Cole is now pro-Nexus and anti-Cena/Orton with absolutely NO explanation why! I ask once again: is Vince Russo secretly on WWE Creative? **1/2 Ted DiBiase, Jr. and Maryse came to ringside to plead with Jerry Lawler to surrender his spot in the Raw Rumble match. Cole decided to answer for Lawler, spewing forth a litany of childish insults that only Vince McMahon finds amusing. Lawler grabbed the mic. from Cole and told him to sit down & shut up. Lawler refused to give up his chance to headline WrestleMania, citing he had to wait 17 years to even get a WWE Championship match, which he likely would have won had it not been for interference from Cole. DiBiase slapped Lawler, who responded by slugging Ted Jr. with some nice, stiff punches. Lawler went for a finishing blow, only for DiBiase to shove Maryse in front for protection. Maryse went ballistic, slapping and cursing at DiBiase. Lawler knocked DiBiase out with a knockout punch, much to the crowd’s delight and Cole’s disgust. A video package played, portraying a man clad in black boots and coat, announcing that “He” is coming on 2/21/11. You know WWE Creative has hit rock bottom when they’ve ripped off Vince Russo twice in a single week. Whether this is the Undertaker’s return or Sting’s debut remains to be seen.
United States Champion Daniel Bryan Vs. Tyson Kidd:
The Bella Twins joined Cole and Lawler on commentary. This should have been a really good match, but since they were only given a mere 1:59 of TV time, they were dealt a severe handicap. Then there was the lousy camerawork and direction. I couldn’t even see half of what was going on because the camera kept lingering on the Worthless Twins! Both men tied up before Kidd wrapped his arms around Bryan for a rear waistlock. Bryan reversed the rear waistlock into a wristlock. Kidd reversed the wristlock before Bryan took Charlie Brown down with an armdrag. Kidd managed to rise to his feet and broke free by punching & kicking Bryan. Cole kept trashing Bryan as a geeky dork. How would you describe yourself then, Mikey? Kidd hit a kick to Bryan’s back for a near fall. Here’s where the camera began to linger on the Twin Bimbos. Apparently Kidd clamped on a side headlock. Bryan somehow broke free and sent Kidd into the ropes. Kidd ran the ropes while Bryan leapt over him and attempted a Rocker Dropper that he changed into a backflip and armdrag takedown instead. Bryan kicked Kidd rapidly in the back before clamping on the LeBell Lock for the tap out. Bryan celebrated with kayfabe girlfriend Gail Kim when the Bellas hit the ring and attacked the duo for yet another boring pull-apart brawl. The Worthless Twins, who offer nothing of value, are made the focal point yet again while the US Champ is treated as an afterthought. Pathetic. ½*
WWE Champion The Miz Vs. World Heavyweight Champion Edge:
Since their first match last week ended in a no contest, the Magical Mystery GM declared that there must be a clear cut winner in this rematch. Sadly, this match wasn’t all that good. Perhaps it was due to coming off two lengthy title defenses the evening before. Perhaps it was the shorter amount of TV time: 8 minutes this week as opposed to 17 last week. Either way, both men had an off night. Edge & Miz traded punches and kicks until Edge hit a neckbreaker, then made the cover. Miz quickly kicked out and swung for a punch. Edge ducked and took Miz down with a flurry of punches. Edge began to set up the spear, but Riley pulled Miz out of the ring. Edge reached down to pull Miz back into the ring, but Miz grabbed a hold of Edge’s arm and pulled it down across the top rope. Edge went down like a sack of bricks. Miz took advantage by yanking Edge out of the ring and ramming him into the steel ring steps & ring apron. Miz confidently threw Edge back into the ring and covered him for a near fall. Miz clamped on a side headlock that he transitioned into an armlock. Edge tried to power out, but Miz slammed the Rated-R Superstar down to the mat for a near fall. For some odd reason, Miz decided to argue with the referee, allowing Alex Riley to choke Edge. Miz called off the argument to cover Edge for yet another near fall. Miz clasped Edge’s arm in an armlock for a bit before bouncing off the ropes for a running punch to the arm. Edge ducked the punch and took Miz down with a spinning heel kick. Edge set up the DDT, but Miz managed to shove Edge down to the mat and clamp on another armlock. Edge inched towards the ropes and grabbed onto the bottom rope to break the submission hold. Miz attempted to kick Edge in the head, but Edge moved out of the way and rolled up Miz for a near fall. Miz took Edge down with a facebreaker for a near fall of his own. Miz clamped on the armlock once more, but Edge managed to rise to his feet and slam Miz on his back for a near fall. Both men ran the ropes aiming to kick the other and ended up colliding. Edge gave Miz another facebreaker for a near fall. Miz backed Edge into the corner and attempted to hit a running clothesline, only for Edge to duck & roll up the WWE Champ for a near fall. Miz retaliated with a swift kick to the face for a near fall of his own. Miz climbed the turnbuckles to deliver an ax handle, but Edge caught him mid-air and dropped the WWE Champ on his head. Edge went for the Spear, but Miz moved out the way, causing Edge to crash into the ringpost. Miz went for the Skull Crushing Finale, but the voice of John Cena suddenly boomed out. Cena was in the audience, feigning support for Miz. Miz ended up distracted, allowing Edge to hit the Spear to win the match. Michael Cole left the announce table to console Miz and trash Cena. Now Cole is anti-Cena with no explanation. Barf. *1/2
Divas Champion Eve Torres & Natalya Vs. LayCool:
I must be the only one who liked the Divas Fatal 4-Way the night before at the Rumble. Anyone who thought that match was absolute torture should watch this one instead, so they can know what torture is. With Vince back at the helm, it was decided to mine this contest for lame comedy. Natalya and Michelle McAwful started the match. McAwful swung her fist, only to be shoved down to the mat by Natalya for a near fall. McAwful attempted another punch, but She-Anvil clotheslined her with a beefy arm for another near fall. McAwful attempted to mat wrestle, which was definitely not a pretty sight. Natalya rose onto her feet quickly, which caused McAwful to make the hot tag to Layla. Layla took one look at Natalya and screamed in fear. Layla immediately jumped onto McAwful, wrapping her arms and legs around Mrs. Calaway as Natalya looked on completely baffled. This wasn’t remotely funny. Anyway, it turned out to be a trap as Layla attempted to kick Natalya in the head. Natalya grabbed Layla’s head and lifted her up for a suplex that was good for a near fall. Eve tagged in and dropkicked Layla. Eve connected with a sloppy boot to the face and clotheslined Layla to the mat. Eve hit the standing moonsault for a near fall broken by McAwful. Layla attempted to kick Eve in the gut, but Eve no-sold it and planted Layla on the top turnbuckle for a superplex. For some strange reason, Natalya attempted to enter the ring, even though McAwful had yet to interfere. With the ref distracted, McAwful kicked Eve in the head, causing her to fall to the mat. Layla made the cover to win the match. -***
The Great Khali & Mark Henry Vs. The Uso Brothers:
The thought of Khali and Henry as a tag team makes me long for the Colossal Kongs or Hillbilly Jim & Uncle Elmer instead. This wasn’t going to be a match- this was going to be a massacre. That is until the Magical Mystery GM chimed in. Citing that the Usos didn’t have a chance of winning (way to belittle your only surviving full-time tag team there, Vince!), the MMGM made it a dance-off. This was such a fucking waste of time that I kept wishing I’d be stricken with an urgent case of diarrhea so I’d have an excuse to walk away. No such luck. The Usos danced first, but we didn’t get a good enough look since Michael Cole decided to start clodhopping at the same time. Henry and Khali attempted to dance and it was absolute torture: stiff, no rhythm or style. The Usos attacked, leading to Henry and Khali fighting back, laying the Samoan Jobbers out. Khali inexplicably covered Jey Uso for a pin. Someone forgot to clue the Walking Tree in that this wasn’t a match.
Raw Rumble: John Cena Vs. Randy Orton Vs. CM Punk Vs. John Morrison Vs. Sheamus Vs. R-Truth Vs. Jerry “The King” Lawler:
Every 90 seconds another participant would enter the match. John Morrison & Sheamus drew first and second respectively. Sheamus & Morrison took turns trading punches and kicks when John Cena came out third. Cena targeted Sheamus, taking the Celtic Warrior down with the usual shoulder blocks and You Can’t See Me. After brief hesitation, Cena and Morrison traded blows. Morrison took Cena down with a neat springboard dropkick. Sheamus recovered from the Cena assault, leading to Morrison taking turns punching and kicking the human jar of mayo & Cena. CM Punk joined the fray and attacked Cena with punches & forearms. Punk turned his attention to Morrison and had him halfway over the top rope when R-Truth joined the match. Truth joined Punk in trying to eliminate Morrison but Morrison managed to get back into the ring and toss both Truth & Punk over the top rope. Both men landed on the ring apron and slid back into the ring. Cena grabbed Punk onto his shoulders to give him an Attitude Adjustment over the top rope, but Punk managed to hang on the rope for dear life and give Cena the DDT. Jerry Lawler came out and was almost eliminated by Sheamus. Lawler hung on the ropes with a firm grip as Cole berated Lawler for embarrassing himself. If anyone knows all about embarrassing oneself on a weekly basis, it is Michael Cole. Suddenly, the final participant entered the match: Randy Orton. Punk became terrified and immediately slid underneath the bottom rope to hide underneath the ring. Orton was wise to Punk’s trick and swiftly looked underneath each side of the ring until he found his quarry. Orton pulled Punk out and beat the shit out of the New Nexus leader. Punk slid into the ring as did Orton. Orton promptly clotheslined Punk over the top rope to eliminate him. R-Truth came from behind and tossed Orton over the top rope, earning an icy stare from the Viper. Punk retreated to the back and Orton ran after him as the final commercial break began. When the action resumed, Cena had knocked Sheamus down with a sitdown slam and hit You Can’t See Me again. Cena whipped both Truth & Morrison into the corner and sandwiched them both with a splash. Cena clotheslined both men over the top rope but both hung on. Morrison managed to pull off a successful Skin The Cat while Truth was less than graceful re-entering the ring. Cena clotheslined Truth over the top and attempted to eliminate Morrison next. Morrison yanked Cena onto the ring apron, with Morrison trying to kick Cena off. Sheamus joined the party on the ring apron. They all trade punches and kicks, but perhaps realizing the fight on the apron was futile, all three re-entered the ring. Sheamus tossed Morrison over the top rope, but Morrison managed to hang on and re-enter the ring. Morrison tossed Sheamus over the top rope, but Sheamus held on for dear life and slid back in under the bottom rope. Cena promptly tripped Sheamus and locked on the STF, which was a pointless spot in a battle royal. Morrison leapt onto the second rope and hit Starship Pain onto both men. Lawler grabbed a woozy Morrison and threw him over the top. Morrison landed on his hands while his feet landed on the bottom rope. Morrison managed to evade elimination incredibly. Morrison took Cena down with a Flash Kick, only to be eliminated by Sheamus’ Bicycle Kick. Cena took Sheamus down with the Attitude Adjustment and reluctantly turned his attention towards Lawler. Lawler dropkicked Cena onto the ring apron. Sheamus threw Lawler into Cena to eliminate Superman from the Raw Rumble. Sheamus attempted to Bicycle Kick Lawler over the top rope, but Cena pulled the top rope down, causing Sheamus to tumble out of the ring. Jerry Lawler earns his first WWE PPV World title match ever. Cole spent the remaining minutes of the show berating Lawler over having the nerve to win the match. I’m counting the days until Lawler places his fist right into that mealy mouth bastard’s face. **
