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Aka Monday Night Raw - 6/6/2011 by Bill Treadway
Live from the Richmond Coliseum in Richmond, Virginia, Raw actually began its’ live feed twenty-one minutes early at 8:39 PM Eastern time. The reason why: the Tough Enough Season finale. The longer format did make it a better show as this was one of the worst and most boring Raws of 2011 so far. To kick the festivities off live, host/Hall Of Famer Stone Cold Steve Austin came to the ring, followed by trainers Booker T, Bill DeMott and Trish Stratus. After a few pleasantries were exchanged, Austin brought out the two finalists, Big Andy and Luke, followed by the other TE contestants. Noticeably absent was Miss USA Rima Fakih. Since it became well known that she was the USA Network’s choice to win Tough Enough and that they were extremely upset at Austin/WWE for eliminating her halfway through the competition, perhaps her absence was a bit of a stab on WWE’s part. The official excuse given was that she had to fulfill her remaining duties, but I find it hard to believe that standing somewhere and smiling while waving a scepter could garner more publicity than being seen on a mainstream TV show, but I digress. Austin asked each trainer to name their pick as to who should win tonight: Big Andy or Luke. After a lot of stalling, all three unanimously chose Big Andy. Just as Austin was about to announce the winner, Vince McMahon came waddling to the ring as if he had been constipated for two weeks. McMahon got a decent pop from the live crowd in Richmond. Vince officially introduced himself to both Big Andy and Luke, asking both men why they should be given the chance to stand inside a WWE ring with the likes of himself, Stone Cold and other legends. Big Andy began to ramble, only to be cut off by McMahon. This was obviously a test to see how Andy would react to a live interruption and he passed with flying colors. Some complained that Big Andy’s promo was too heelish, but who said the Tough Enough winner HAS to be a babyface? After all, the most successful Tough Enough alumnus is former WWE Champion The Miz, who is the hottest heel in the business right now. Luke was given the opportunity to speak next and he cut a rambling promo that set new records for sheer obnoxiousness. Luke reminds me very much of Randy Orton and not in a good way. One Randall Keith Orton is more than enough for any wrestling promotion. McMahon started to brag that he was going to choose the winner, but Austin glared at him and told Vinnie Mac to shut up. If anyone was choosing the winner, it’d be the Texas Rattlesnake. After what seemed like an endless amount of stalling to build up phony suspense, Austin chose Big Andy Leavine as the latest Tough Enough winner. And in the space of 55 seconds, Big Andy was buried big time as he was suckerpunched by Vince McMahon, followed by a Stunner from Austin. Am I getting tired of promising young talent being steamrolled by ex-wrestlers this year or what? Just when I thought things couldn’t possibly become more idiotic, R-Truth came to the ring wearing a Confederate Army uniform. That’s right- WWE Creative is actually using the Civil War for cheap heat. Truth was warbling some idiotic gibberish song about Little Jimmies. Last week after Raw went off the air, the Magical Mystery GM agreed to grant Truth a title shot at the WWE Championship at the “Capitol Punishment” PPV, but he would have to apologize for his actions as of late first. Truth began to apologize, but it was about as sincere as any politician who apologizes for a transgression(only sorry he was caught). Truth then ran down Virginia, calling it Redneck City, so I guess Truth forgot about some of the towns he toured when working for TNA. Truth announced that he is succeeding from WWE. So does this mean there are three brands now- Raw, Smackdown and R-Truth? The lame comedy kept coming as Vince McMahon began asking Truth if his first name was R and his last name was Truth. Ho ho, ha ha! Truth told the MMGM to shove the WWE Championship match in two weeks. This was so fucking stupid since the whole Truth heel turn is based on him NOT being granted a title shot in almost four years. Now he has one and he turns it down? My favorite heel, The Miz, hit the ring and asked the question that was surely on the minds of all watching by looking around by shaking his head and saying, “Really?” Miz said that in deference to tonight being the finale of Tough Enough and that he deals in reality, he declared that he would still be WWE Champion had it not been for the antics of Alex Riley. Miz demanded a re-match against John Cena. Not if it’s as bad as their -****** (that’s right, MINUS SIX) 'I Quit' match! Anyway, Alex Riley came to the ring to rebut Miz. Riley came out to an enormous pop from the crowd. It’s incredible just how over Riley is only three weeks into his face turn. Riley mentioned that only thing Miz deserves is a third consecutive beatdown courtesy of his fists. WWE Champion John Cena joined the party to colossal cheers from the Richmond crowd. Cena summed everything up in hilarious fashion: Miz said “I Quit!” on live PPV, so no rematch; while he doesn’t like or trust Riley, he does admire him for growing a pair and leveling Miz; Truth did earn a title shot and will have it in two weeks. Before the WWE Champ could say more, the MMGM chimed in. Cole was about to read it when Vince McMahon told him to shut up. Since he was the Chairman of WWE, he would be booking tonight’s main event: Cena & Riley against Truth & Miz with Austin serving as Special Guest Referee. Austin commiserated with Cena while the heels huddled over a future gameplan.WWE Tag Team Champion Michael McGillicutty Vs. Santino Marella:
People tend to take Santino for granted since he is primarily a comedian rather than a wrestler. The thing is, Santino can actually wrestle very well when given a chance to. Take for Exhibit A this match. It was a briskly paced, well worked 4:55, with a good mix of action and humor. Santino was accompanied by the returning Vladimir Kozlov, who debuted a new wardrobe consisting of blue trunks, boots and robe. Santino spent most of the match lampooning the Ultimate Warrior, which really worked. Santino and McGillicutty locked up, ending with Santino backed into the corner. McGillicutty attempted to deck Santino in the face, but Marella ducked out of the way and landed one of his own. McGillicutty attempted to retaliate with a clothesline but Santino ducked out of the way with a split and lifted McGillicutty up into an atomic drop. Santino quickly clotheslined McGillicutty over the top rope and shook the ropes a la Warrior. McGillicutty clearly was trying his best not to laugh at the sight of Santino imitating Warrior. McGillicutty entered the ring and became the recipient of a punch assault from Santino. McGillicutty took control with a knee to the gut. McGillicutty clamped on a hammerlock but Santino swept him off with an armdrag. Santino missed a dropkick, allowing McGillicutty to hit his own dropkick for a near fall. Santino crawled to the corner, where McGillicutty beat him down with punches and stomps. McGillicutty went for the cover but Santino kicked out at two. Santino promptly rolled McGillicutty up for a near fall of his own. McGillicutty responded with a clothesline for a near fall of his own. McGillicutty clamped on a side headlock and backed Santino into the corner. He pounded on Santino with his fists but missed a running clothesline. Santino responded with a headbutt and hiptoss, followed by flexing his arms up and down Warrior style. I hope he goes for the Gorilla Press and running splash. Santino seemed to be setting up both moves when David Otunga dragged McGillicutty out of the ring. Kozlov clocked Otunga with a nice lariat outside the ring. Santino reached over and dragged McGillicutty back inside the ring by his head, Warrior style. McGillicutty clocked Santino in the face with a hard right but missed a running kneedrop to the throat. Santino hit the Cobra Knockout Pinch onto McGillicutty for the pin. ***
Divas Chumpion Brie Bella & Nikki Bella Vs. Kelly Kelly & Beth Phoenix:
Kelly Kelly has really surprised me as of late, managing to get decent matches out of the likes of the Worthless Twins. Sadly, her streak ended tonight with this match that stunk worse than a used tampon baking in the hot sun. Not that Kelly and Beth are to blame here; the reason why this match sucked is simple: the Bellas worked most of the match on offense. The match started with Nikki bungling a simple armtwist spot that Kelly had to sell as if it actually hurt. Nikki just kept flinging it from side to side, which is the WRONG way to do the spot. Apparently Nikki was completely out to lunch tonight as Kelly had to back herself into the corner instead of the obviously planned spot of being backed by Nikki. Kelly bounced off the ropes and took Nikki down with a good springboard armdrag. Kelly actually even pulled off a good hurricanrana spot for a near fall. Unfortunately, that was the end of any good spots for a while as Nikki botched a simple facebuster on the top rope. Nikki stomped on Kelly, but her stomps didn’t even look like they connected even from a wide camera shot. Nikki was supposed to give Kelly a gutbuster against the knee, but she forgot to drop Kelly into her knee, making for an awkward moment, or business as usual for the Bellas depending on what mood you’re in while watching this shit. Brie tagged in and helped her sister ram Kelly backfirst into the corner. I’m surprised they didn’t fuck this spot up. Oh wait- Brie just botched a kick to the gut by hitting Kelly’s breasts. Nikki tagged back in and the calculated torture continued. Nikki & Brie kept tagging in and out, stomping & kicking Kelly along the way. Brie rammed her knee into Kelly’s back for a near fall. Brie grabbed Kelly’s arms and bent backwards, causing Kelly to scream as if Michael Myers had just entered the vicinity. Kelly eventually rose to her feet and sent Brie flying with a decent drop armdrag. Kelly dodged a clothesline and tagged Beth Phoenix in. Beth practically put on a clinic during the brief time she was in the ring. She demonstrated the proper way to throw a clothesline and punches by leveling Brie with them. Beth gave Brie an inverted atomic drop, but lost her footing, tumbling down and landing on her knee. Yes, folks- suckiness and botchery CAN be contagious if hanging around a carrier long enough. Like the pro she is, Beth popped right up as if nothing happened and went right back to clotheslining Brie to hell. Beth lifted Brie up for a slingshot suplex for a near fall. Nikki made the save, but Kelly disposed of her with a mean bulldog. Beth lifted Brie up and hit the Glam Slam for the pin. I guess with Kharma on the shelf due to pregnancy, Beth is being groomed for another title reign. Hopefully that title change will be forthcoming very soon since I can’t take much more of the Worthless Twins on top. The Bellas are like waterboarding: a form of torture that should be banned permanently. DUD
Rey Mysterio Vs. CM Punk:
Punk sat on the stage and rambled on about how Rey Mysterio has never defeated him in a match. I guess Mr. Brooks forgot all about Mysterio’s victories over him at WrestleMania 26, Over the Limit 2011, Fatal 4-Way 2010 and countless TV tag & singles matches then. This was the best match of the night- a really good bout that was only slightly below last week’s **** gem. Both men locked up with Punk trying to break the impasse with a kick to the head. Mysterio dodged the kick and locked up with Punk again. Punk clamped on a side headlock but Mysterio shoved him off into the ropes and clamped on a rear waistlock. Punk reversed the waistlock but Rey-Rey clamped on a side headlock and took the New Nexus leader down. Punk moved his legs upward and rolled Mysterio down into a bodyscissors spot. The transitions between these reversals were seamless. Mysterio managed to get up and roll over on top of Punk for a near fall. Punk retaliated with a running shoulder block for a near fall of his own. Punk started to run the ropes but Mysterio joined him. Punk swung for a punch but Mysterio rolled downward, threw Punk overhead and onto his back. Punk rolled out of the ring, prompting Mysterio to join him outside. Lurking about was 'Mr. Steroid' Mason Ryan, so Mysterio cautiously looked around while standing on the ring apron. Mysterio went for a roundhouse kick from the ring apron but Punk grabbed ahold of his legs. Mysterio improvised and reversed it into a flying hurricanrana, leveling Punk on the floor. Rey threw Punk back into the ring while keeping an eye on Mr. Steroid outside. Mysterio leapt onto the ring apron and sailed over the ropes into a springboard legdrop onto Punk for a near fall. Punk retaliated by planting his knee into Mysterio’s head. Punk lifted Mysterio up for the GTS but Mysterio elbowed his way off of Punk’s shoulders. Mysterio rapidly climbed the ringpost but Punk leapt up and kicked Rey-Rey, causing him to fall upside down in a Tree Of Woe. Punk ran across the ring and planted a running knee to the chest. Mysterio fell off, allowing Punk to make the cover for a near fall. Punk clamped on an armlock but Mysterio slowly managed to get up and send Punk into the ropes for a backdrop that was good for a near fall. Punk responded by shoving Mysterio down and clamping on a bodyscissors. Mysterio managed to break free and dropkick Punk in the back of the head. Punk responded with vicious kicks and punches. Mysterio responded with rapid-fire kicks of his own all over Punk’s legs and chest. Both men kept trading speedy kicks & punches with sheer gusto and rapid pacing. Mysterio bounced off the ropes but Punk grabbed him mid-air and dropped him throat-first on the top rope. Punk planted Mysterio on the top turnbuckle for the superplex but Mysterio fought back with punches. Finally, Rey-Rey shoved Punk off and leveled him with a flying shoulder tackle. Mysterio climbed up the ringpost and hit a flying crossbody for a near fall. Mysterio bounced off the ropes for the flying headscissors but Punk grabbed him mid-swing and slammed him hard onto the mat for a near fall. Punk shoved Mysterio into the corner but ate a boot to the face. Punk fell into the ropes for the 619 but Mr. Steroid jumped onto the ring apron. Rey-Rey dropkicked the roided-up freak off the ring apron and knocked Punk back with the 619. Mysterio leapt off the ropes into the Senton Splash for the 1-2-3. At least these two cared to put on a thrilling match tonight. ***3/4
Next came a segment that was absolute death. Alberto Del Rio called out The Big Show so he could apologize in person. What came out was Ricardo Rodriguez, made up horribly to look like Show with a fake padded belly, awful skull-cap and faux facial hair that looked like colored cotton pasted on with bubble gum. Faux Show grunted out sounds instead of words and lifted up a softball glove made up to look like Show’s Big Hand. Del Rio offered to apologize by giving Show all the junk food and candy he could eat. That’s the last thing the ever-widening Show needs right now. Faux Show grunted happily before Del Rio responded that he will never apologize and that when the real Show returns, he will regret ever crossing Alberto Del Rio. Poor Del Rio; Thanks to WWE Creative, he has gone from chasing the Big Gold Belt to chasing a Big Fat Fuck. Idiots! This guy should be World Heavyweight Champion and taking on all comers on Smackdown, not wasting away on Raw in a stupid feud with a guy who has seen way better days and can barely get out of his own way.
United States Champion Kofi Kingston Vs. Zack Ryder:
Dolph Ziggler and Vickie Guerrero joined on commentary. Ziggler’s hair is now blond again, after experimenting with red last week. Dolph now officially holding the Guinness World Record for most haircolor changes by a heterosexual male in a mere month. Ryder has an extremely popular YouTube show and finally returns to Raw, only to be squashed in a rushed 2:03 match. Kofi has been stealing Raw as of late with a string of extremely good matches. Sadly, this wasn’t one of them. Ryder clamped on a headlock, but you just knew his offense wasn’t going to be treated as brutal or competitive. Sure enough, I was right as Kofi promptly elbowed out of the headlock. Ryder knocked him down and started running the ropes. Kofi sprung up and also ran the ropes, taking Ryder down with a flying elbow. Cole adopted the Scott Stanford creation of calling Ryder “Long Island Iced Tea”. The least they could have done was keep the 'wrestler as cocktail' metaphor alive by having Cole refer to Kofi as the Chocolate Soldier, Ziggler as the Slammer Royale and Vickie as either the Dirty Mother or Royal Widow. Kofi leapt up and knocked Ryder down again with a dropkick. Ryder responded by piefacing Kofi. Kofi brushed off the pieface and slugged Ryder with a forearm. Ryder stumbled into the corner, so Kofi attempted a running splash. Ryder moved out of the way and Kofi managed to land on the ropes. Ryder slammed Kofi onto his head for a near fall. Ryder backed Kofi into the corner and punched the living daylights out of him for another near fall. Ryder clamped on a side headlock and backed Kofi into the corner. Ryder went for a running splash, but Kofi moved out of the way. Kofi hit Ryder with several clotheslines and chest chops before knocking Ryder over with a dropkick & jumping throat slam. Ryder became the latest recipient of the Boom Drop and, for some incredibly dumb reason, began sliding half of his body between the second and third ropes. Kofi decided to pull Ryder back in the ring, but Ryder shoved him off. Kofi popped up and leveled Ryder with Trouble In Paradise for the pin. The moral of the story is if you become inexplicably over without the approval or aid of WWE Creative, jobberdom is where you will remain. DUD. WWE just pointed out that John Cena has more Facebook followers than Tiger Woods. The jury is still out on whether he’ll have more mistresses at one time than Woods did. Speaking of Woods, I wonder why so many were surprised that he was a serial cheater. After all, his profession consisted of using a crooked stick and some balls to fill a dark hole.
Jack Swagger Vs. Booker T:
Tonight marked Booker T’s first Raw match in over four years. Too bad it wasn’t very good as both men disappointed everyone watching by stinking out the joint in this 3 minute dud. Lawler mentioned that this match was brought to us by Just For Men Hair dye, which is fitting considering this match features a man who either currently uses it or will need it very soon. The match leaned heavily on slow restholds, which doesn’t exactly make for exciting viewing. Booker clamped on a rear armlock but Swagger rammed his elbow into Booker’s face. Swagger punched Booker down and began stomping and kicking the former six-time, six-time, six-time, six-time, six-time, six-time World Heavyweight Champion. Swagger attempted to send Booker into the ropes, only to be the recipient of a botched spinkick. Swagger fell into the ropes, where Booker laid in the chest chops. Swagger dodged a high kick and clotheslined Booker over the top rope. Swagger backed Booker against the barricade and gave him several shoulder thrusts before throwing him back inside the ring. Swagger made the cover but Booker kicked out at one. Swagger laid in a few standing elbow drops and a legdrop onto Booker. Now the boring restholdfest began when Swagger clamped on a hammerlock onto Booker. Booker tried to elbow his way free but Swagger rammed his knee into that ebony gut. Swagger sent Booker into the corner but ate an elbow to the face. Booker knocked Swagger down with the Harlem Sidekick. Swagger escaped to the corner, so Booker began chopping and punching the hell out of the All-American American. Booker placed Swagger in position for the ax kick but Swagger dodged it at the last minute. Swagger charged with a clothesline but Booker dodged it and connected with a spinning crescent kick. Rather than face the heat, Swagger slid out of the ring and took a pathetic countout loss. My guess is that WWE Creative didn’t want Swagger to get pinned, but didn’t want Booker to lose, hence this dumb non-finish. Evan Bourne suddenly appeared out of nowhere and chased Swagger back inside the ring. Booker took Swagger down with the ax kick and urged Bourne to go for the Shooting Star Press. Bourne complied and Swagger took the SSP. Bourne and Booker celebrated inside the ring with a double Spinarooni while I tried to figure out what the hell I had just seen. DUD
WWE Champion John Cena & Alex Riley Vs. R-Truth & The Miz:
Based upon who was in this match, I was hoping for a solid, well-worked main event. I got a piece of work, alright! This match was a very tedious and often unbearably dull 10:46 that didn’t make me even WANT to see Cena/Truth or Miz/Riley on the next PPV. Miz shoved Cena down and started to clamp on a leglock, but Cena shoved him off & tagged Riley in. Already? Naturally true to cliché, Miz ran away like a coward and tagged Truth in. Truth and Riley didn’t mesh well together. Not helping matters was Austin, who was a slow and plodding referee. Truth took Riley down with a hiptoss but Austin was so slow in making the count that what should have been a two count ended up as barely one. Truth clamped on another side headlock but Riley sent him into the ropes. Truth knocked him down with a shoulder block. Riley fought back with a hip toss. Riley planted his forearm into Truth’s face, covering Truth for a bare two count. Riley tagged Cena in but Truth ran off like a coward and tagged Miz in. I’m getting really tired of the cliché of heels running scared. It’s fine once in a while, but not every week. Cena & Miz traded punches and kicks until Cena mowed Miz down with a bulldog. Miz rolled out of the ring and tried to bail the match, but Riley began to chase his ex-friend and mentor around the ring. Miz rolled back inside the ring but not before clocking Riley with a hard right. Riley fell onto his head, creating a scary moment. Truth and Austin began killing time by arguing as an impromptu commercial break began. Apparently Riley was OK since he was in the ring when the match resumed. Miz had Riley clamped in a rear chinlock. Riley attempted to get up and power out, but Miz rammed him into Heel Central backfirst instead. Truth joined Miz in double-teaming Riley until Miz hit the DDT for a near fall. Miz and Truth began slowly stomping on Riley, while simultaneously teasing Cena. Austin broke things up, so more time was wasted with Miz and Austin arguing amongst themselves. Riley was leaning against an opposite corner, so Miz decided to level him with the Awesome Running Clothesline. Riley ducked out of the way in time and started to crawl towards Cena for the hot tag. Truth tagged in and dragged Riley away. Truth began beating on Riley with punches, kicks and stomps, which became boring after a minute or so. Truth then began arguing with Austin, killing more time that would have been better spent with actual wrestling. Truth leveled Riley with a running kick to the head and a bodyslam, culminating in climbing the ropes for a fistdrop. Riley had other plans and lifted his boot up, clocking Truth in the face. Riley made the hot tag to Cena just as Truth tagged Miz in. The usual SuperCena offense occurred: two running shoulder blocks, sitdown powerslam and You Can’t See Me. Cena went for the Attitude Adjustment but Truth slugged Cena in the gut with a kick. Cena no-sold the kick and dropped Miz before tossing Truth over the top. Cena clamped on the STF but Miz reached the ropes and broke the hold. Truth entered the ring wielding a chair but Cena dropkicked the chair into Truth, who went tumbling out of the ring. Cena & Miz both ran the ropes and collapsed into a steaming mass in the center of the ring. Riley entered the ring with a metal briefcase and teased that he was going to turn heel by smashing Cena with it. Instead, he whacked Miz with the case. Miz stumbled right into the Stone Cold Stunner from Austin. The force of the Stunner led Miz right into Cena’s grip for the Attitude Adjustment and the 1-2-3. Alas, the Magical Mystery GM chimed in and reversed the decision due to Austin’s interference. Funny how the MMGM allowed Bret Hart to interfere while refereeing three weeks ago on Raw, yet this week it’s a no-no with Austin. The MMGM declared that since next week will be a special three-hour All Stars edition of Raw featuring Smackdown talent, the special GM will be Stone Cold Steve Austin. Austin hovered over Cole and grabbed the mic from his hand. After asking the crowd if they want to see Austin as GM, Austin tossed Cole inside the ring and poured beer all over him. Yet another counterproductive main event that does nothing to establish two major matches for an upcoming PPV. DUD.
