Total Nonstop Action Wrestling House Show Recaps
Minor league park equals minor league show
My eyes still fucking hurt from all that shit they put on. - The Godfather this afternoon on my Facebook page about last night’s TNA show.
TNA made their first stab at the Brooklyn, NY house show market July 2nd. If that outdoor show at MCU Park is any indication of what their house shows are like, no wonder they are in the toilet. While the show did break their house show attendance record (5,500-6,000 people in an 8,000 seat park), I have a feeling most went home wondering why they didn’t stay home and just watch Smackdown instead.
Folks, this was the worst wrestling show I ever attended live. The previous titleholder was a WWF house show at MSG in September 1996. While there were seven prelim matches no better than a DUD and a horrific Vader-Sid lumberjack match on that show. The final two matches (a ****1/2 Savio Vega-Steve Austin bout and a ****1/4 Shawn Michaels & The Undertaker Vs. Mankind & Goldust match) saved the show from being a total waste. Plus it was a fully loaded three hour show with good production value.
TNA put on one of the sorriest house shows I’ve ever seen. The production value was so low-rent that you’d have a hard time believing this was a major promotion. There was barely an hour of wrestling in a two and a half hour show. With all the talent the promotion has, we only got six matches when there could have easily been nine. The ring was set up on home plate instead of second base or the outfield. It was great if you had seats right near home plate, but if you were further away as I was, the wrestlers looked like action figures in a toy ring. At least they were showing some footage on the scoreboard/videoscreen, plus the godfather brought a pair of binoculars, which made it easier to watch. Not that there was much worth watching, there is. The grass in the outfield had large bald spots. I wonder if RVD, Brian Kendrick, Jeff Hardy and a few others smoked it earlier in the day. Speaking of those guys, wouldn’t it be great if they formed a new stable along with Abyss called The High and the Mighty?
Homicide Vs. Brian Kendrick Vs. Jay Lethal Vs. Amazing Red :
The winner of this match would receive an X-Division title shot at a date to be determined later. Not much suspense as to who was winning since two of the four wrestlers (Homicide and Red) are from Brooklyn. It was a matter of which one was going over. The four worked hard, but this match was barely three minutes long. Basically each wrestler hit their major moves with no build-up or real storytelling. All of it was sloppy, particularly when Red slipped off the ropes to the grass outside the ring and when Kendrick missed a spin kick by three miles. Red ended up winning with a roll-up to earn a title match against Doug Williams. How soon will it take for TNA creative to forget about this? ½*
Knockouts Champion Madison
Rayne Vs. Angelina Love :
The referee for this match was the infamous Earl Hebner. The fans booed the hell out of him, chanting “You Screwed Bret”. Hebner wore a T-shirt that said “Damn Right I Did!” There’s nothing like exploiting a real life incident that occurred in a different promotion over 13 years ago, huh? Later on, it was announced that that very T-shirt was for sale in the merchandise section. I don’t even think WCW stooped that low. Madison Rayne got on the mic., noting that since she only had to defend the title once per month and that Angelina was getting a title shot next week at Victory Road, tonight’s match would be non-title. There’s nothing like advertising a title match and then performing the old bait n’switch. It also telegraphed the finish ahead of time. Thankfully, both women had a very good match - the only redeeming factor in this miserable house show. There were no blown moves or sloppy mistakes - just a good, solid match featuring two women who actually know how to wrestle. It was only seven minutes, but since women’s matches seldom go long these days in the US, it felt just right. Towards the end, Hebner tongue kissed Rayne, which allowed Angelina to hit the Botox Injection and Lights Out for the win. ***1/2
Jeff Jarrett came out and did the usual fluff thanking the fans speech. The guys seated behind me provided a hysterical comedy commentary all night long. They really roasted Jarrett alive. When Jarrett mentioned how he signed Kurt Angle, they mentioned “And you stole his wife!” When Jarrett mentioned signing Jeff Hardy, they began chanting Cocaine! Cocaine! at full volume. Funny how Jarrett got 15 minutes to yammer on while no match went past 10 minutes.
Kurt Angle Vs. Desmond Wolfe :
A severe disappointment considering these two could have had the best match on the card. Alas, they only went about six minutes when they usually need 20 to have the kind of classic match both have delivered in the past. What they did do was good, but not enough of it and was extremely rushed. TNA really has no clue what to do with Desmond Wolfe. One of the best workers in the country and he’s become the British version of the Brooklyn Brawler. Too bad. His black T-shirt and purple shorts made him look like the white MVP. Finish came when Angle reversed a toehold into the Anglelock for the submission. Oh well, at least I can say I saw Kurt Angle live. **1/4
Jeff Hardy Vs. Abyss :
Hardy’s theme music sucks. He should be coming out to Eric Clapton’s “Cocaine” instead. This was advertised as a rematch of their singles bout from the previous night’s impact! episode. It would also be a Monsters Ball match. Normally, this would be a good thing but since no match was going longer than 7 minutes this evening, it turned out to be a clusterfuck of epic proportions. This was one of the worst matches of the year. Hardy and Abyss participated in a phenomenal ****1/2 Monster’s Ball match five years ago at the first Bound for Glory card. What went wrong here? I have a feeling it was the “no match longer than 10 minutes” edict that did it in. It went about eight minutes, which led to both men trying to cram in each and every signature spot before having to go to the finish. The brawling was sloppy, the action was a blur, the highspots didn’t thrill and there was nothing you haven’t seen done better already. There was one spot where Abyss had two garbage can lids, but he failed to use them as cymbals on Hardy’s head. That was a missed opportunity. The finish came when Abyss brought out - you guessed it - the thumbtacks and tried to suplex Hardy off the top rope onto them. Hardy shoved Abyss into the tacks, turning his ass into the world’s largest pincushion. Hardy then hit the Swanton Bomb for the pin. What would have saved this match is if they had brawled all the way to the parachute jump. Then Hardy could have climbed the structure and given Abyss a Swanton off of it. -**1/2
Jeremy Borash then announced that they’d be taking a ten minute intermission. It turned out to be a 33 minute intermission. One of the fans seated behind me mentioned that he went down to ringside to talk to some friends and mentioned that Earl Hebner passed by. He said that he shook Hebner’s hand and thanked him for screwing Bret. I would have loved to see the look on Hebner’s face.
Team 3-D Vs. Ink Inc. :
Although it was advertised in advance as a tables match, they decided to play dumb and make it seem like the audience would decide what match it would be. Of course everyone was chanting “We want tables!” It’s the Men Formerly Known as the Dudleys. What else does a fan of theirs want to see? This could have been a very good match, but at nine minutes, a rushed, sloppy train wreck. Like Hardy and Abyss, this one featured a lot of sloppy, rushed brawling and tons of blown spots. Who ever heard of a tables match in which the tables don’t make an appearance until the final minute of the match? 3-D won after giving Jesse Neal the Dudley Death Drop through a table. Had this been on PPV, they likely would have had enough time to pull off a good brawl. Instead, we got something really awful. -**3/4
TNA World Champion Rob Van
Dam Vs. AJ Styles :
AJ got on the mic. and ran down Nathan’s Hot Dogs, Jay-Z and Brooklyn for cheap heat since he had initially gotten cheers when he came to the ring. This match was a crushing bore. Both men just went through the motions and sleepwalked through a dull match. It had the usual spots, but it lacked the oomph and strong workrate the two usually have. RVD clearly wasn’t putting forth a token effort, having that bored, blank look throughout. AJ apparently gave up trying to coax a passable match of out RVD within the first two minutes. It had a one hour time limit but was only a tad over ten minutes when RVD hit the Five Star Splash off the top for the win. Just appalling. DUD
Too bad TNA owner Dixie Carter wasn’t there, greeting the fans like she usually does at house shows. She would have gotten an earful for me. This is my first and last TNA live show unless they make a serious, more concerted effort to put on quality house shows.
Hogan chose the wrong Eric to help him run TNA. And so the wrestling world suffers...
